LENO REPORT 2014
2/06/14 - Welcome to the finale of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The worst thing about losing this job is, now that I’m no longer covered by NBC, I have to apply for ObamaCare.
2/05/14 - Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympic history. During the games, the government will be monitoring every email, social-media message and phone call. As a result, dissidents are comparing Russia to the United States.
2/05/14 - According to a new study, 1/3 of American children are overweight or obese by the time they’re 9 months old. To give you an idea how bad it is, baby strollers now beep when backing up.
2/05/14 - A Canadian athlete at the Sochi Olympic Village tweeted a picture of a sign in a bathroom that said: “No Fishing in the Toilets.” Toilet fishing must be a problem in Russia. I don’t even want to know what the catch of the day is!
2/05/14 - Brigham Young University-Idaho has released a video declaring a “War on Masturbation.” Critics say school officials are clearly out of touch with students who are in touch with themselves.
2/04/14 - On this day in 2004, Facebook was launched. Over the last decade, the site has reunited families, sparked romances—and taken the legwork out of stalking.
2/04/14 - According to U.S. intelligence officials, the Taliban is in financial ruin. To give you an idea how bad it is, instead of 72 virgins, martyrs now get one old whore.
02/03/14 - The Denver Broncos were so ineffective, today they were invited to join the Obama administration.
01/31/14 – Ratings for President Obama’s State of the Union address were the lowest in 14 years. The speech drew 33.3 million viewers, which seems pretty good for a rerun.
01/31/14 – Do you know where members of al-Qaeda watch the Super Bowl? In their man caves!
01/31/14 – The Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks are from the only two states that have legalized recreational marijuana—which means after the game, fans of one team will be happy, and fans of the other team will be happier.
01/31/14 – According to a Playboy magazine survey, 73% of women would rather watch the Super Bowl than have sex. Fortunately, they don’t have to choose, thanks to halftime.
01/30/14 – This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. With 315 million people in this country, what were the odds of her being the only one who doesn’t know she’s running for president?!
01/30/14 – Justin Bieber was arrested yesterday in Toronto for allegedly assaulting a limo driver a month ago. It seems he and the chauffeur got into an argument after Justin refused to sit in his child-safety seat.
01/30/14 – China’s lunar rover, the Jade Rabbit, is on the moon, where it seems to have broken down. Naturally, this is causing great embarrassment to the children who assembled it.
01/30/14 – China’s lunar rover, the Jade Rabbit, is on the moon, where it seems to have broken down. I’ve been reading up on the Jade Rabbit. It’s the world’s first space exploration vehicle to be named after a Chinese restaurant.
01/29/14 – The Royal Caribbean cruise liner, Explorer of the Seas, is on its way to New Jersey after 600 passengers became ill with severe diarrhea. Which is why guests nicknamed the ship “Taco Bell of the Seas.”
01/28/14 – The country of Iran is now trying to attract more American tourists, but they may need a new slogan. “Death to America” doesn’t seem to be working.
1/28/14 – President Obama gave his State of the Union address at a time when he’s losing support from his own party. In fact, congressional Democrats were warned that if they didn’t applaud the President’s speech, he would campaign for them.
01/27/14 – Early Friday morning in San Clemente, California, Border Patrol agents seized 670 pounds of cocaine hidden in a car. But last night’s Grammy Awards went on anyway!
01/27/14 – The Grammys were last night. Paris Hilton walked the red carpet with the rapper, Birdman. The rumor is, they’re forming a duo called “Birdman and Birdbrain.”
01/27/14 – Tomorrow night, President Obama delivers his State of the Union Address. Aides say he won’t mention the War on Drugs because he’s not sure which side he’s on.
01/27/14 – New research confirms that texting and walking can be a dangerous combination. The study is published in this month’s issue of the journal Watch Where You’re Going, Dumb Ass!
01/27/14 – According to a new study, prolonged sitting can be as unhealthy as smoking. They say sitting around doing nothing can kill you. Naturally, these findings scare the hell out of Congress.
01/24/14 – According to The New York Post, Anthony Weiner makes between $300,000 and $400,000 a year as a political consultant. It’s hard to reach him at the office, but he’s always available online.
01/24/14 - Just in Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach for DUI, drag racing and resisting arrest. He yelled at the cop: "Don't you know who I am?!" And the cop said: "Miley Cyrus?"
01/23/14 – It’s so cold, John Boehner turned from orange to blue!
01/23/14 – In an interview with The New Yorker, President Obama said marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol. But doctors warn that pot-smoking impairs young people’s thinking, which makes them more likely to enroll in ObamaCare.
01/22/14 – According to the Globe, Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, has left Prince Charles. Their passionate affair led to marriage in 2005, but palace insiders say in recent years, they have been living like brother and brother.
01/22/14 – Happy Birthday to Exorcist actress Linda Blair. At age 55, she’s still a head turner!
01/22/14 – According to TMZ, Justin Bieber is abusing drugs. Wow, it’s always the people you most suspect!
01/22/14 – Radar Online claims to have nude photos of Justin Bieber that he allegedly texted to Selena Gomez. Police say if Justin did text nude pictures of himself, he could be charged with distributing child pornography.
01/22/14 – In his speech on NSA reform, President Obama said the U.S. will no longer spy on leaders of friendly foreign nations. In a related story, experts say the best way to protect your personal privacy is to become a leader of a friendly foreign nation.
01/22/14 – According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting America’s West Coast. Chinese smog! We don’t make anything in this country anymore!
01/17/14 – According to reports, Justin Bieber has fled his house and is lying low. Sources say he’s hiding out in a theater showing Justin Bieber’s Believe.
01/17/14 – This Saturday, President Obama is throwing a 50th birthday bash for the First Lady. The guest list is said to include everybody who’s anybody—except the Prime Minister of Denmark.
01/16/14 – Health officials are warning that pot-smoking can cause apathy, but plls show that most smokers could't care less.
01/15/14 – Justin Bieber is being accused of throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house. And he could be in big trouble. The D.A. wants to try him as an adult.
01/15/14 – Justin Bieber is being accused of throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house, and could be charged with a felony. Justin was recently caught at a Brazilian brothel, and before that, he was photographed smoking weed. I can remember when the worst thing he did was make music.
01/14/14 – According to Radar Online, Madonna is dating a man half her age. That's right. He's only 40!
01/14/14 - Authorities have discovered another tunnel along the U.S.-Mexican border in Nogales, Arizona. As a result, smugglers are being asked to use alternate tunnels.
01/14/14 - Authorities have discovered another tunnel along the U.S.-Mexican border in Nogales, Arizona. More than 75 tunnels have been found since 2008. In fact, economists say the smugglers spend more on infrastructure than we do.
01/14/14 - Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his State of the State address. He said the state is improving, but admitted that it’s still New Jersey.
01/13/14 - The Golden Globes were last night. The big winner was American Hustle, a film about the marketing of ObamaCare.
01/13/14 - In the wake of an embarrassing scandal, Governor Chris Christie has fired the person responsible. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?!”
01/10/14 – U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong-un. They say he’s a narcissist obsessed with Hollywood, plastic surgery and the NBA, a condition known as “Kardashianism.”
01/10/14 – Today President Obama announced his five Promise Zones: Los Angeles, Philadelphia, San Antonio, southeastern Kentucky and the Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma. The rest of the country is a Broken Promise Zone.
01/09/14 – Scientists have developed a strain of marijuana that doesn’t get you high. Weed that doesn’t get you high. Isn’t that like a prostitute who only wants to be friends?
01/09/14 - O.J. Simpson, who is in jail for armed robbery and kidnapping, has written a letter asking for a pardon from President Obama because he says he has diabetes and a brain tumor. Ironically, jail is the best place for him. If he were free, he would have to deal with ObamaCare.
01/09/14 - Emails have surfaced, suggesting that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s aides blocked access to the George Washington Bridge to punish a political rival. Today Christie denied knowing anything about the scandal—which, ironically, made him look presidential.
01/08/14 - Have you seen the commercial for the Perfect Bacon Bowl? You wrap strips of bacon around this mold and microwave it to make an edible bowl out of bacon. We’re now so fat and lazy, instead of washing dishes, we eat them!
01/08/14 - The cost to mail a letter will temporarily jump from 46 cents to 49 cents on January 26. The Post Office says raising rates is the only way they can compete with email, which is much faster—and free.
01/08/14 - According to a new study, our happiness peaks in our eighties. Unfortunately, most of us die in our seventies.01/08/14 - Today in North Korea, Kim Jong-un met with Dennis Rodman, also known as “Dim Dumb Loon.”
01/07/14 - In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that people will be allowed to protest in a special protest zone, also known as “Siberia.”
01/07/14 - According to a new study, dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field before they defecate. Apparently, the Earth’s magnetic field is aligned with my front lawn.
01/06/14 - Scientists have developed a strain of marijuana that doesn’t get you high. Critics say it’s the dumbest invention since non-alcoholic beer.
01/06/14 - MSNBC anchor Melissa Harris-Perry has apologized for mocking Mitt Romney’s infant grandson. She said from now on, before she goes on the air, she will remind herself that people may be watching.