04/26/13 –
Cleveland Browns linebacker Quentin Groves
was arrested the other night for soliciting a
prostitute, and today, the NFL handed down his
punishment. He will remain with the Cleveland
Browns.
04/25/13 – According to
Politico, CNN is in talks
with Newt Gingrich to co-host a revamped version
of
Crossfire. But Newt
is also considering offers from
The
Biggest Loser and
Wife
Swap.
04/25/13 – Today all five living
ex-presidents gathered for the opening of the
George W. Bush Presidential Library. It’s ironic
because in high school, Bush was voted “Least
Likely to Have a Library Named After Him.”
04/23/13 –
U.S. intelligence agencies have put
together a psychological profile of Kim Jong-un.
They say he’s a narcissist obsessed with
Hollywood, plastic surgery and the NBA, a
condition known as “Kardashianism.”
04/23/13 – Because of the sequester, the
FAA has imposed furloughs on air-traffic
controllers. Obviously, passengers feel uneasy
taking off and landing, knowing there’s nobody in
the tower sleeping.
04/23/13 – According to the
New York Times, the new trend for parents
in New York City is raising diaper-free babies.
It’s great if you want your home to have the feel
and smell of a Carnival Cruise ship.
04/23/13 – The New Jersey “Tanning Mom”
has posed for topless photos on a Jersey beach.
The shoot was protested by members of PETA, who
thought she was wearing leather.
04/23/13 – NBC is going green this week,
promoting ways to save our planet. Really? We
can’t even save our primetime lineup!
04/22/13 – A judge has
granted Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries a
divorce—clearing the way for Kim to become an unwed
mother.
04/12/13 – Lindsay Lohan will be moving into
the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of
rehab.
Her father, Michael, was
treated there in the late ‘80s, which makes Lindsay a
legacy.
04/12/13 –
According to a new study,
our views on immigration are changing.
For example, when asked if
they support a path to citizenship, 40% of respondents
said: “Sí.”
04/12/13 –
Adam Levine, from
The Voice, is here to
talk about his extremely rare experience: being on a
hit show on NBC!
04/11/13 –
According to a new study, baldness can
raise a man’s risk of heart disease.
Unfortunately, doctors say your heart cannot be
fooled by a comb-over.
04/11/13 – Tonight President Obama hosted
Republican senators for dinner at the White House.
The President had to do
without salt, pepper and butter because the
Republicans refused to pass anything.
04/11/13 –
At the Home Depot in West Covina, a man
grabbed a handsaw and sawed through both his arms
to the bone.
Sadly, he still couldn’t
get the attention of a salesperson.
04/11/13 – According to
Foreign Policy magazine, U.S.
and North Korean officials secretly met in New
York City last month.
Sources say this meeting
was so secret, not even Dennis Rodman knew about
it.
04/09/13 - A cat that went missing in Las
Vegas 13 years ago was found near its old home and
returned to its owners, who now live in San Diego.
They were overjoyed at the reunion, but the cat
was like, “whatever.”
04/08/13 - Today at the White House,
President Obama and Vice President Biden met for
lunch. The chef goes out of his way to personalize
their meals.
For example, Biden’s
always comes with a toy.
04/04/13 -
A 113-year-old Florida woman, who was
named the “Oldest Living U.S. Citizen” in January,
has passed away. I’m not superstitious, but it
seems like that title is cursed.
04/02/13 - Lifetime has canceled
America’s Most Wanted. Network
executives made the decision after realizing the show
was still on.
04/02/13 - Lifetime has canceled
America’s Most Wanted. Network
executives made the decision in response to a
letter-writing campaign organized by criminals.
04/02/13 -
L.A. County Sheriff’s Department officials say
they will recommend charges be filed against Justin
Bieber for allegedly spitting on a neighbor. And
there’s more bad news for Justin. The D.A. wants to
try him as an adult.
04/01/13 - Happy Birthday to Al Gore, who
is 65.
Sadly, he couldn’t enjoy
his party because he was obsessed with how fast
the ice cream was melting.
04/01/13 - In San José,
a man was arrested for deliberately driving
his Oldsmobile Cutlass through the front door of a
Wal-Mart.
Can you believe that?
Something American-made inside
a Wal-Mart!
03/28/13 –
Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham announced she’s leaving
the Spice Girls.
The news came as a surprise to
the rest of the group, who didn’t realize they were
still together.
03/28/13 – According to the U.N., more people
have working cell-phones than have working toilets.
So next time you drop your
phone in the toilet, count your blessings.
03/27/13 – A 33-year-old woman in Britain
claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise.
Her symptoms include
perspiration and an increased heart-rate.
03/26/13 –
We’re learning more and more about Pope
Francis.
Unlike many in the
Catholic Church hierarchy, he has said that the
use of condoms is acceptable in certain cases—but
not the glow-in-the-dark kind.
03/26/13 – A 44-year-old New Jersey man
has won the $338-million Powerball jackpot.
He says he will use the
money to fulfill his lifelong dream, which is to
get the hell out of New Jersey.
03/25/13 –
Bodybuilding pioneer Joe Weider has passed
away at the age of 93.
In 1969, he got Arnold
Schwarzenegger his first acting job but hopefully,
he’ll be remembered for the good things he did.
03/22/13 – According to a new study, the
average member of Congress can only speak at a 10th
grade level.
Which is worse than it sounds
because the average 10th
grader speaks at a 5th
grade level.
03/22/13 –
According to a new survey, 74% of
female college students say they use drinking as an
excuse for wild sexual behavior. And 100% of college
men say that’s an acceptable excuse.
03/21/13 – Justin Bieber announced that he’s
growing a mustache.
I guess we’ll have to take his
word for it.
03/21/13 – According to a new study, the
price of college textbooks is increasing 6% every
year.
So please, be generous
next time you get a lap-dance.
03/21/13 – There’s a big controversy with
the History Channel’s miniseries,
The
Bible.
It seems the actor playing
Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President
Obama.
This isn’t the first time
the President has been portrayed as the devil; Fox
News does it every day.
03/20/13 – According to the CDC, gonorrhea
is developing resistance to all available
antibiotics.
That said, have a great
Spring Break!
03/19/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY – On this day
in 1979, the U.S. House of Representatives began
televising its daily business.
It was an immediate
success, leading to the placement of cameras in
other high-crime areas.
03/19/13 – How many are Christians
observing Lent?
OK, how many are heathens
observing Spring Break?!
03/19/13 – The island nation of Cyprus is
considering a 7 to 10% tax on every individual
savings account.
To which President Obama
said: “You can do that?!”
03/19/13 – According to the
National Enquirer, while Brad
Pitt was in France, Angelina Jolie was in L.A.,
partying with a handsome hunk.
That’s nonsense.
We had one drink.
03/19/13 – Lindsay Lohan is headed back to
rehab, but she’s through with Promises.
She’s going to a new
facility called “Vague Assurances.”
03/18/13 – Michelle Obama is going to
appear on the cover of the April issue of
Vogue magazine.
Also, look for President
Obama next month on the cover of
The
Economist magazine.
It’s their annual April
Fools issue.
03/15/13 – As a young man, Pope Francis
worked as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires bar.
Which means as he stepped onto the balcony
of St. Peter’s Basilica after being chosen Pope,
there were old Argentine guys watching TV and
yelling: “That guy kicked my ass!”
03/14/13 – In West Los Angeles, a vacated KFC
is now home to a medical-marijuana dispensary.
Ironically, on the same block,
there are three new KFCs.
03/14/13 – Sarah Palin is writing a new book.
It’s called
No, I
Won’t Just Go Away!
03/11/13 – President Obama’s half-brother,
Malik Obama, is running for governor in Kenya.
Unfortunately, his political
opponents are spreading rumors that he was born in
Hawaii.
03/11/13 - President Obama has nominated
Wal-Mart Foundation president Sylvia Matthews
Burwell to be his budget director.
She’s a good fit because
Wal-Mart is also heavily dependent on China.
03/11/13 - An Oregon physicist has
invented the world’s first Oreo separator, a
contraption that separates the Oreo cookie from
the crème.
How sad.
We’re now too fat and lazy
to unscrew Oreos!
03/01/13 - Welcome, sequestration
survivors!
03/01/13 – An Ohio landlord allegedly took a
belt to the bare butt of a tenant who was behind in
his rent. You can read the rest of the story in a new
book called
50
Shades of Eviction.
03/01/13 - Later this month, a 106-year-old
Ohio woman will get her high-school diploma. On the
advice of her guidance counselor, she will attend a
two-year college.
02/28/13 –
A British man is suing the historic Salisbury
District Hospital after surgeons removed the wrong
testicle. I’d hate to see such a fine facility brought
down by one nut.
02/28/13 –
In Meadville, Pennsylvania, Allegheny College
recently brought in two sex experts to teach
masturbation to the students.
This course wasn’t offered
when I was in school; my only option was independent
study!
02/27/13
–
German scientists say human longevity has
improved so rapidly over the past century that 72
is the new 30.
The bad news is, the new
retirement age is 107.
02/27/13 –
Olive Garden’s revenue dropped 4% last
quarter.
Executives blame
competition from real Italian restaurants.
02/26/13 –
Match.com has created an online safety-guide. It
offers useful tips, like when you date someone you
meet on Match.com, avoid wearing belts, or
scarves, which could be used to strangle you.
02/26/13 – More problems for Lindsay Lohan.
The state of California
says she owes $57,000 in unpaid taxes.
Lindsay’s parents say
they’re proud that their daughter has graduated to
white-collar crime.
02/26/13 –
At a White House briefing,
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano
warned that the sequester would affect border
security.
Her remarks raised
eyebrows in Washington—and got big laughs in
Mexico.
02/25/13 –
NBC has a new slogan: “We’re Number
Five!”
02/25/13 – The Academy Awards were last night.
There was a glaring omission in the “In
Memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan’s career.
02/22/13 – The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan
is now forced to choose between drinking and driving!
02/22/13 – A mother in New York state is now facing
possible jail-time after she allegedly hired two
strippers to perform at her son’s 16th
birthday party.
She explained that at 16, he was too young
for actual whores.
02/21/13 – The price of gas is so high, some
stations have stopped selling it by the gallon.
It now comes in “Tall,” “Grande” and “Venti.”
02/21/13 – According to a new Gallup poll, 72%
of Americans believe the country is headed in the
wrong direction.
And 30% are so disillusioned, they’re
considering moving back to Mexico.
02/20/13 – Yesterday in South Korea, 3,500
couples got married in a mass wedding organized by
the Unification Church.
Critics of the church say it’s a cult,
but followers say: “It is not a cult. It is not a
cult. It is not a cult … ”
02/20/13 – A Philadelphia woman is suing a
local strip-club, claiming she lost one of her
thumbs while dancing on amateur night.
The good news is, she now gets a 10%
discount on manicures.
02/20/13
– Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor
told federal prosecutors she went broke after
betting more than $1 billion she inherited from
her late husband.
She gambled away $1 billion in casinos
playing video poker. Ironically, at one point, she
was $300 ahead.
02/20/13 – The mayor of Cederberg, South
Africa, has been caught sending pictures of his
sex organ, covered in whipped cream and decorated
with a strawberry on top, to a female deputy.
He says he doesn’t remember doing it.
Which sounds ridiculous, but the warning
label on the whipped cream says: “Applying to
penis may cause amnesia.”
02/19/13 – Former South Carolina Governor Mark
Sanford defended his decision to run for Congress,
saying:
“The one place I didn’t ever fail was
with the taxpayers.”
To which his ex-wife said: “I’m a
taxpayer!”
02/19/13 – President Obama played golf in
Florida with Tiger Woods.
Tiger said the President was very good
for a guy who only plays five days a week.
02/19/13 – President Obama played golf in
Florida with Tiger Woods.
Do you know what the President’s
handicap is?
He doesn’t understand economics.
02/18/13 – Happy Presidents Day—not to be
confused with Vice President’s Day, also known as
April Fools Day.
02/18/13 – The Vatican announced that Pope
Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to
Mexico.
After that, he swore off
Spring Break forever.
02/15/13 – Government researchers report that
drinking significant quantities of alcohol over time
can cause serious shrinkage in the brain.
The findings are based on a
study of Lindsay Lohan.
02/15/13 – Today President Obama visited a
Decatur, Georgia, pre-kindergarten, where the kids all
asked him the same question: “Shouldn’t you be
working?”
02/14/13 – In the year 269 A.D., St. Valentine
was beaten and beheaded.
Do you know why?
He forgot Valentine’s Day!
