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Leno Report 2012

Some of Jay Leno’s Favorite ‘Benny’ Jokes from “The Tonight Show.”

12/21/12 – According to “Us Weekly,” Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. The rumor is, she caught him not having sex with another woman.

12/21/12 – According to “Us Weekly,” Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. Sources say Tim was unhappy because he felt she was using him—and Rex Ryan wasn’t.

12/21/12 – AOL announced that it is giving every employee a $1,000 bonus. However, a lot of their employees don’t know about the bonus because the notification was sent by AOL email.

12/21/12 – In Great Britain, firefighters spent 45 minutes rescuing a fox that got its head stuck in the wheel of a Volkswagen. You know where I heard this? Fox News.

12/20/12 – A 37-year-old Swedish woman has been convicted of having sex with a human skeleton. To which Hugh Hefner’s fiancée said: “That’s illegal?!”

12/19/12 – Heath officials announced this week that rates of sexually transmitted diseases among the elderly are on the rise. To give you an idea how bad it is, more seniors now have the clap than have the Clapper.

12/19/12 – In Michigan, a lawyer by the name of “Patrick Burson” has been charged with manufacturing crystal meth at work. His colleagues said they first became suspicious when his office exploded.

12/19/12 – President Obama has been named “Time” magazine’s “Person of the Year,” which was surprising. I had no idea they were still publishing “Time” magazine.

12/17/12 – Today is Keith Richards’ birthday. He would have been 69.

12/17/12 – According to “TMZ,” Lindsay Lohan hasn’t paid her storage bill and as a result, they’re going to auction off her storage locker. This couldn’t happen at a worse time because she was about to move into it.

12/14/12 – The Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in U.S. By that time, the country will be 15% black, 31% Hispanic and 1% Republican.

12/14/12 – According to a recent report, more people are moving out of California than are moving in. In fact, for every one person who says: “Hola,” two say: “Adios.”

12/14/12 – In a news conference, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said failure to reach a deal on the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is, most Americans won’t be affected because they didn’t know there was a recovery.

12/14/12 – Happy Birthday to Jets Coach Rex Ryan, who is 50. If you’d like to send a gift, he could use a quarterback.

12/13/12 – According to a new survey, 33% of women say they feel sad after sex. And 90% of men are unaware of the sadness because they’re already in the kitchen making a sandwich.

12/13/12 – According to a new survey, 70% of dog owners will buy their dog a Christmas present. Veterinarians say our dogs can’t comprehend Christmas, but they can sense we’re too dumb to know that.

12/11/12 – Hugh Hefner’s 26-year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, insists that she doesn’t notice their 60-year age difference. In fact, she says Hef is even more energetic than her last boyfriend … Abe Vigoda.

12/11/12 – Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters’ “10 Most Fascinating People of 2012.” In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the “10 Most Easily Fascinated People of 2012.”

12/11/12 – According to “TMZ,” Lindsay Lohan is struggling financially. To give you an idea how broke she is, her father has stopped calling her.

12/11/12 – Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has named his successor. So let me be the first to congratulate Sean Penn.

12/10/12 – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he’s taking steps to run for president in 2016. He says he’s seeking the presidency for three reasons, but he can only remember two of them.

12/10/12 – For the first time ever, Asians are immigrating to this country more than any other minority group. They assimilate quickly, considering that when they get here, most of them don’t even speak Spanish.

12/10/12 – Al-Qaeda’s #2 man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaeda’s #3 man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.

12/10/12 – According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end on December 21. That’s a Friday, which is rotten luck. If the world has to end, it should be on a Monday.

12/10/12 – Today is Friday, December 7, 2012. It’s hard to believe that two weeks from now, we’ll all be dead!

12/06/12 – Next week, a West Virginia strip-club is offering half-price lap-dances to customers who donate a new toy. The toys will be distributed to poor children whose fathers blow all their money on strippers.

12/05/12 – Automakers are now working on new, high-tech windshields. These computerized windshields could display driving directions, maps and impending hazards, all without requiring drivers to take their eyes off their cell phones.

12/05/12 – Researchers studying Maine’s lobster population have detected something never before seen in the wild: lobstercannibalism. They were also surprised to see that before one lobster eats another, it dips it in lemon-butter sauce.

12/05/12 – Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes—who gave him his own Indian name: “Running Deficits.”

12/05/12 – Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing Native-American communities—like card-counting.

12/05/12 – Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes. Native Americans are very upset. The country used to belong to them; now it belongs to the Chinese.

12/05/12 – Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes. There was one awkward moment when Joe Biden burst into the room wearing a Redskins jersey.

12/04/12 – According to a new study, our happiness peaks in our eighties. Unfortunately, most of us die in our seventies.

12/04/12 – According to the “Globe,” sources close to Liza Minnelli fear she is back on booze and pills. Which comes as a shock to Liza’s family and friends, who didn’t know she was off booze and pills.

12/04/12 – In an interview with “Politico,” Ralph Nader said on foreign policy, President Obama is worse than President George W. Bush. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

12/04/12 – It was 20 years ago today that the first text message was sent by a 22-year-old engineer, who texted “Merry Christmas” before driving over an embankment.

12/03/12 – According to TMZ, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline owe the State of California back taxes in the amount of $37,712.71.To which K-Fed said: “Where am I going to get 71 cents?”

12/03/12 – Happy Birthday to Britney Spears. Hard to believe, but she’s 31! It seems like only yesterday she was that fresh-faced girl with a bald head and no panties.

12/03/12 – Happy Birthday to Britney Spears. At her party, family and friends lip-synched “Happy Birthday.”

11/30/12 – Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning for allegedly punching another woman at a New York City nightclub. The good news for Lindsay is, the incident has drawn attention away from her portrayal of Liz Taylor.

11/29/12 – Scientists predict that within two years, our smartphones and tablets will be powered by our own body-heat. But we’ll have to remember to unplug the devices before we sit down.

11/28/12 – In a new interview, “Two and a Half Men’s” youngest star, Angus T. Jones, bashes the sitcom, calling it “filth.” He has a point. The show seemed to lose its moral compass when Charlie Sheen left.

11/28/12 – The Post Office announced that they lost $16 billion this year, and they now say they’re going to review their business model, which could mean big changes. The last time they reviewed their business model, they decided to sell their ponies and buy trucks.

11/21/12 – Today President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Then the turkey forgave him for the economy.

11/20/12 – After searching Paula’s Broadwell’s home, the FBI found classified material on her personal computer. In fact, agents say she had more information about Benghazi than Susan Rice did!

11/19/12 – Finally, some good economic news. President Obama is out of the country!

11/19/12 – What a crowd! You sound like Little Debbie when she heard Hostess was going out of business!

11/16/12 – A 28-year-old Florida man has been arrested for threatening President Obama on Facebook. The crime is punishable by 5 to 10 years in prison and permanent unfriending.

11/15/12 – President Obama says any budget deal must raise taxes on millionaires and billionaires. But Republicans warn that taxing millionaires and billionaires prevents them from becoming trillionaires.

11/14/12 – On this day in 1954, Ellis Island closed after processing more than 20 million immigrants. These people longed for a better life in America and didn’t know how easy it was to sneak in from Mexico.

11/13/12 – Steven Spielberg’s new movie, “Lincoln,” opened Friday. I’m a history buff, and I was surprised to learn that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t really a vampire hunter.

11/13/12 – It’s now being reported that the woman David Petraeus was having an affair with was his biographer, Paula Broadwell. I’m disappointed in Petraeus. He’s a highly decorated, former four-star general and director of the CIA—but he behaves like a common congressman.

11/12/12 – In the wake of Colorado and Washington state’s legalization of marijuana, the Mexican government is reassessing its role in the war on drugs. In fact, they’re threatening to stop doing nothing.

11/12/12 – Colorado voters have legalized the use of recreational marijuana—which is why the state’s new slogan is: “It’s 4:20 Somewhere!”

11/12/12 – California said no to a proposition to label genetically modified foods. But there are ways smart shoppers can identify genetically altered food. For example, if you’re buying a pound of grapes, and it’s only one grape. 

11/12/12 – According to “USA Today,” Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is expected to step down soon. He says he’ll seek a job in the private sector, apparently not realizing there aren’t any jobs in the private sector.

11/08/12 – In Florida, a 29-year-old woman was arrested for masturbating in a Starbucks. When cops told her she had a right to an attorney, she said: “No thanks, I’ll get myself off.”

11/08/12 – NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. And ABC News was first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer.

11/08/12 – According to exit polls, President Obama won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to whiter.

11/08/12 – President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago, he got 120% of the vote!

11/07/12 – Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.

11/05/12 – Rod Stewart has written an autobiography in which he reveals that he used to ingest cocaine anally. Eventually, he realized he had a problem—and he got his ass into rehab.

11/05/12 – Saturday night in New Orleans, Madonna drew boos and triggered a walkout by concertgoers after she endorsed President Obama. Witnesses said so many people booed and walked out, it was like being at a Madonna movie.

11/05/12 – According to a new study, if the election were held today, it would be a day early.

11/02/12 – The latest James Bond movie, “Skyfall,” is causing a controversy because of product placement. Instead of his signature martinis, Bond now drinks Heineken—and that’s not the only sellout. Miss Moneypenny is now Miss J.C. Penney!

11/02/12 – The latest James Bond movie, “Skyfall,” is causing a controversy because of product placement. Instead of his signature martinis, Bond now drinks Heineken—and that’s not the only sellout. 007 is now 007-Eleven!

11/02/12 – Two women from the Dominican Republic claim New Jersey Congressman Bob Menendez promised to pay them $500 for sex, but they only got $100, which is no surprise. Congressmen tend to be responsible when they’re spending their own money.

11/02/12 – White House spokesman Jay Carney said: “The attack in Libya is still being investigated, and we will find out what happened.” But until we do, Americans should not watch Fox News or listen to talk radio.

11/02/12 – In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said all cars coming into Manhattan must have at least three people inside them, and he hopes motorists will “pick up strangers standing near bridges.” And if you can’t find strangers standing near bridges, look for drifters lurking in alleys.

11/01/12 – Two women from the Dominican Republic claim New Jersey Congressman Bob Menendez paid them for sex, but he denies it. I guess we’re supposed to take the word of a politician over a whore.

11/01/12 – President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. Pundits say he couldn’t risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya.

11/01/12 – Last night, I answered the door and there was a kid lying on my porch, playing dead. I said: “What are you supposed to be?” He said: “the economy.”

10/31/12 – Economists say rebuilding after Sandy will give the ailing construction sector a boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama has!

10/30/12 – In China, a government think-tank says it’s time to end the one-child limit because there aren’t enough babies. To give you an idea how bad it is, some factories have been forced to hire adults.

10/30/12 – “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is back, but not for gays in the military. It’s now President Obama’s policy for questions about Libya. 

10/30/12 – I have a great Halloween costume. I’m going to put two pumpkins in my pants and go as Kim Kardashian.

10/29/12 – Rod Stewart has written an autobiography in which he reveals that he used to ingest cocaine anally. I believe this is known as “crack cocaine.”

10/26/12 – FBI agents arrested a 28-year-old New York City policeman from Queens and charged him with conspiracy to kidnap, cook and eat women. Or as he calls them: “chick filets.”

10/26/12 – Here’s an inexpensive Halloween-costume idea. Wear a “Reelect Obama” button and go as a “journalist.”

10/25/12 – Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend was arrested after a brawl at a Las Vegas nightclub. The fight started over something stupid: Paris Hilton.

10/25/12 – In Virginia, a cat named “Hank” is running for U.S. Senate. Do you know the difference between a cat and a politician? Cats don’t pretend to care about you.

10/23/12 – Energy analysts say gas prices could drop below $3.35 a gallon by Thanksgiving. The bad news: by that time, turkey will be $80 a pound!

10/23/12 – Today Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and banned from cycling for life. Do you know who the greatest cyclist of all time is now? Me neither.

10/23/12 – Tonight’s debate was moderated by Bob Schieffer, who also moderated the Bush-Kerry debate in 2004 and the Lincoln-Douglas debates in 1858.

10/22/12 – President Obama and Vice President Biden are making plans for Halloween. They’re going to dress as Romney and Ryan, and try to scare seniors.

10/12/12 – On Saturday, a British rugby player ruptured one of his testicles just after the second half started. He played the rest of the game before going to the hospital to have the testicle removed. What a trooper! Most guys would have taken their ball and gone home.

10/12/12 – According to the “Globe,” Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are building a private theme-park for their children at their home in France. It sounds expensive, but it’s actually cheaper than taking that many kids to Disneyland.

10/11/12 – A Boston man was arrested at LAX wearing a bulletproof vest and carrying a suitcase full of weapons, leg irons, a smoke grenade, a gas mask and a biohazard suit. Ironically, he was searched after authorities got a tip he was carrying more than three ounces of shampoo.

10/09/12 – A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader has pleaded guilty to having sex with a 17-year-old boy. The young man is said to be doing well, considering that his best days are behind him.

10/09/12 – Japanese researchers have successfully grown mouse eggs in a laboratory dish–giving hope to millions of infertile mouse couples who dream of having families.

10/09/12 – A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader has pleaded guilty to having sex with a 17-year-old boy. Or as the boy called it: “Fantasy Football.”

10/05/12 – According to “Radar Online,” Mike “The Situation,” from “Jersey Shore,” has allegedly fallen off the wagon and lapsed back into binge drinking. It’s always sad to see talented young people succumb to substance abuse–but this is sad too.

10/04/12 – Today Disneyland unveiled plans for a terrifying new thrill-ride. It’s an American Airlines flight simulator.

10/03/12 – More bad news for Mitt Romney. The latest poll shows that 70% of dyslexics plan to vote for Amabo.

10/03/12 – Here in California, Governor Brown has signed a law allowing illegal immigrants to get driver’s licenses. And he promised to sign another bill providing them with phony proof-of-insurance.

10/02/12 – Economists report that China’s economy is weakening because of a slump in manufacturing. To give you an idea how bad it is, the unemployment rate is a staggering 12% among three-year-olds.

09/27/12 – In a new interview, Ralph Nader called President Obama a war criminal. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

09/26/12 – The NFL replacement refs have caused a national uproar. The public is outraged because they’re not used to seeing this level of incompetence outside the federal government.

09/26/12 – President Obama is gaining support from elderly voters. This week, he was endorsed by Madonna.

09/26/12 – “Forbes” magazine is out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. To show you how bad the economy is, 200 of them have moved back in with their parents!

09/26/12 – A 10-mile section of the 405 Freeway, the busiest freeway in the world, will be shut down this weekend. To ease congestion, undocumented immigrants are asked to sneak into the country through Arizona.

09/24/12 – Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton and according to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. Wow, despite being the most powerful man in the world, he was just a regular guy!

09/21/12 – Sunday is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. I don’t know if I’ll celebrate. I could go either way.

09/20/12 – A “Newsweek” cover story with the headline “Muslim Rage” is causing an uproar. Can you believe that? They’re still publishing “Newsweek!”

09/20/12 – A Pakistani man died after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. It turns out the flag was made in China and contained lead.

09/20/12 – Mitt Romney was caught on tape saying that 47% of Americans will vote for President Obama, no matter what, because they pay no income taxes and are dependent on the government. Pundits say the gaffe wasn’t presidential; it was vice-presidential.

09/19/12 – A Kentucky man is suing a doctor who amputated his penis without his consent. Needless to say, the guy is just nuts.

09/19/12 – It’s now reported there are 200 topless pictures of Kate Middleton. Now there’s more bad news for the Royal Family. A tabloid says it has photos of Queen Elizabeth on the throne!

09/18/12 – Anti-American rioting across the globe is casting doubt on President Obama’s foreign policy. To give you an idea how bad it is, he’s trying to change the subject to the economy.

09/17/12 – According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3% to 8.1% last month, but that was only because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today President Obama said it was a step in the right direction, and encouraged more Americans to give up looking for work.

09/17/12 – Topless photos of Prince William’s wife, Kate, have surfaced. Am I the only one thinking she married the wrong brother?

09/07/12 – Mark Zuckerberg announced he won’t sell his 444 million shares of Facebook stock for at least a year. Then, if he does sell, he’ll use the money to take his wife to a movie.

09/07/12 – Facebook still has financial problems. To give you an idea how bad it is, Willie Nelson is organizing a benefit concert for Farmville.

09/06/12 – Reverend Sun Myung Moon, the founder of the Unification Church, has passed away at age 92. Critics of the movement say it’s a cult, but followers say: “It is not a cult. It is not a cult. It is not a cult … ”

09/05/12 – It’s being reported that Lindsay Lohan has moved from Los Angeles to New York City, which could mean trouble because she didn’t get permission from the other crime families.

09/04/12 – Good economic news. Chinese banks are increasing their lending to America. To give you an idea how broke we are, our co- signer is Greece! 

09/04/12 – Some political analysts are saying the reason you saw more minorities than usual seated up front at the convention was because Republicans are trying to make their party look more like America. In fact, in the front row, in the center seat, they placed a member of our country’s most underrepresented minority group—the non-obese. 

08/31/12 – In Florida, a 22-year-old man was arrested for robbing a McDonald’s while wearing a Barack Obama mask. He told cops the robbery was justified because the restaurant’s owner makes more than

$250,000 a year.

08/31/12 – Congratulations to Mitt Romney on his purchase of the Republican presidential nomination!

08/31/12 – Congratulations to Mitt Romney. Last night, as he officially accepted the nomination, white smoke wafted from the chimney of the Bank of Switzerland.

08/28/12 – A 70-year-old female tennis-umpire has been arrested in New York for allegedly killing her 80-year-old husband with a coffee mug. On the advice of her doctor, she has switched to decaf.

08/28/12 – According to the “Star,” Jennifer Lopez was overheard telling her boyfriend that his job was to look good, smile and have sex with her. That’s not just a job; it’s an adventure!

08/28/12 – Today President Obama campaigned at Iowa State University and Colorado State University. Pundits say Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters because second-time voters have wised up over the last four years.

08/27/12 – This week, President Obama met with the White House press corps for only the second time this year. He said he would have met with them more but he’s been so busy campaigning, he didn’t have time to write their questions.

08/24/12 – Paul Ryan has been called the fittest politician in Washington. He feels that staying in shape is the best way to prepare for a future without Medicare.

08/24/12 – What a crowd! You sound like the cyclists who finished second to Lance Armstrong in his Tour de France victories!

08/24/12 – Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and banned from cycling for life after refusing to fight doping allegations. Do you know who the greatest cyclist of all time is now? Me neither.

08/23/12 – Rapper Juvenile was arrested for disorderly conductafter a brawl at a Miami nightclub. After being booked, Juvenile was bailed out by his younger brother, Infantile.

08/22/12 – Following a wild party Friday night in Las Vegas, nude photos of Prince Harry have surfaced on the Internet. Today a spokesman for the Royal Family said this is a difficult time for the prince, and asked that the media respect his privates.

08/21/12 – Today 62-year-old endurance swimmer Diana Nyad abandoned her fourth attempt to swim from Havana to Florida.She decided to return to Cuba, where the economy is better.

08/20/12 – As you may have heard, The Tonight Show has been taken over by Bain Capital.

08/20/12 – NBC has downsized The Tonight Show. We’ve consistently been #1 in the ratings—and at NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon.

08/17/12 – A&E has canceled “Gene Simmons Family Jewels.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on.

08/17/12 – Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. But President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs: his and Biden’s.

08/16/12 – Today President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on the need for a new economic plan after losing last night’s Powerball drawing.

08/15/12 – It was so hot, I was sweatin’ like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally!

08/15/12 – The U.S. Postal Service reported a $5.2 billion loss last quarter, establishing itself as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.

08/14/12 – A Florida nudist resort is planning an end-of-summer bash to attract a younger crowd. Men at the camp say if some young females don’t join soon, they may sell the trampoline.

08/13/12 – It was so hot, Kristen Stewart cheated with Ice Cube!

07/26/12 – A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader goes on trial October 10 for allegedly having sex with a 17-year-old boy. Or as the boy called it: “Fantasy Football.”

07/26/12 – According to “E! Online,” Kate Gosselin is shooting a new reality show. It’s called “No, I Won’t Just Go Away!”

07/26/12 – It looks like the founders of Chick-fil-A are sticking to their anti-gay marriage stance. Which is heartbreaking to countless gay couples, who have always dreamed of getting married at Chick-fil-A.

07/25/12 – During a campaign stop in Florida, President Obama said Mitt Romney’s Medicare plan will hurt senior citizens. Today Romney shot back, accusing the President of trying to scare Madonna.

07/23/12 – Saturday night in Pittsburgh, a bear wandered into a Sears store. It left 20 minutes later after it was unable to find a salesperson.

07/23/12 – A new study published by the “British Medical Journal” found that inactivity can kill you. Naturally, these findings scare the hell out of the U.S. Congress.

07/20/12 – According to reports, Mitt Romney’s campaign brought 200 African-American supporters to the NAACP convention to cheer Romney. Can you believe that? Romney has 200 African-American supporters!

07/19/12 – The price of lobster is down as much as 70% in some parts of the country. The bad news: lemon-butter sauce is up 280%!

07/19/12 – Today Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is weakening. The good news is, most Americans won’t be affected because they didn’t know there was a recovery.

07/18/12 – A 24-year-old man in India claims he gets severe, debilitating headaches every time he looks at porn—or as he calls it, “a small price to pay.”

07/18/12 – Residents of Woodland Park, Colorado, have been warned that a strong, aggressive 6-foot lizard that eats small animals, including dogs and cats, is on the loose. Veterinarians say this deceptive predator tricks its prey into believing it can save them money on car insurance.

07/18/12 – Larry King has a new Internet talk-show. He kicked it off Monday night with a surprise announcement: he’s still alive!

07/18/12 – There’s a new biography out on Mick Jagger, and it says he had a secret affair with Angelina Jolie when they were married to other people. This was back in 1997, when she was only 22 … and he was 84.

07/18/12 – The presidential campaign is getting ugly. Mitt Romney is calling President Obama a “failed president,” and President Obama is calling Romney a “successful businessman.”

07/17/12 – President Obama told CBS News the biggest mistake of his first term was not being a good enough storyteller. Which was surprising because during his first campaign, he told great stories. There was the one about how he would cut the deficit in half, the one about how he would close Guantanamo Bay

07/13/12 – Happy Friday the 13th. Today to prove he’s not superstitious, Mitt Romney went for a drive with a black cat on the roof of his car.

07/12/12 – There is now talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves “American Idol,” they’re going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.

07/12/12 – It was so hot, I was sweatin’ like Mitt Romney trying to differentiate between Romneycare and Obamacare!

07/11/12 – The White House is urging Americans not to “read too much” into Friday’s weak jobs report. In fact, they say it would be best if you don’t read it at all.

07/11/12 – This is Nude Recreation Week. I wonder how that works with bowling. Do they still make you wear the shoes?

07/10/12 – Awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Boston. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had on him were Swiss francs. 

07/10/12 – It was so hot, immigrants were crossing the border on Slip ‘n Slides!

07/09/12 – In Coralville, Iowa, police shut down three lemonade stands because the kids didn’t have the necessary licenses and permits. Neither do the people who picked the lemons, but nobody bothers them.

07/09/12 – The TSA fired eight officers at Newark Airport for sleeping on the job. They could face criminal charges because it’s a felony to impersonate an air-traffic controller.

06/29/12 – Yesterday Attorney General Eric Holder went to Disney World, which may have been a bad idea. He’s now accused of selling guns to the Pirates of the Caribbean. 

06/28/12 – Ford is developing new technology to keep a car in its lane on the highway. I think we already have that. It’s called a “steering wheel.”

06/28/12 – Researchers at Harvard University say that sharing on Facebook makes people feel as good as having sex. The same study found that people who bought Facebook stock at the IPO feel like they got screwed.

06/28/12 – Today at the White House, President Obama and Vice President Biden met for lunch. The chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s meal always comes with a toy.

06/28/12 – Today the Supreme Court ruled that Obamacare is constitutional. But surveys show that Americans are still reluctant to entrust their healthcare to an administration that couldn’t even manage a simple gun-running operation.

06/28/12 – Today the Supreme Court ruled that Obamacare is constitutional. It’s a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it—and a setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years inventing it.

06/27/12 – This morning, Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of American workers with nothing to do but their jobs.

06/26/12 – A Connecticut bus driver is suing a hospital, claiming the staff watched a baseball game instead of treating him for a painful 4-hour erection. The outcome was predictable; the Cubs lost.

06/26/12 – Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of mercury because it may contain baby formula.

06/26/12 – Analysts say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically, the worse the economy is, the lower the oil prices. Which means if President Obama gets reelected, oil could be free.

06/22/12 – Tomorrow the Chicago Police are sponsoring a gun buyback. Anyone can turn in a gun, no questions asked, and get a $100 gift-card in return. To which Attorney General Eric Holder said: “Why didn’t I think of that?!”

06/22/12 – For the first time ever, Asians are immigrating to this country more than any other minority group. They assimilate quickly, considering that when they get here, most of them don’t even speak Spanish.

06/21/12 – It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder got caught selling water-guns to Mexican drug gangs!

06/20/12 – Chinese baby formula has been recalled after some batches were found to contain high levels of mercury. First it was lead in toys, then toxic drywall, now this. Ironically, the safest Chinese product is illegal fireworks!

06/19/12 – Guantanamo Bay is getting millions of dollars in upgrades and renovations, including cable TV. Sadly, because our government is broke, prisoners will have to settle for basic cable, without any movie channels—-which has already spawned a lawsuit by the ACLU.

06/19/12 – President Obama announced that illegal immigrants who came to the U.S. as children will be able to stay and obtain work permits. He said: “It’s not a permanent fix.” It’s a “temporary, stopgap measure” to get him reelected.

06/18/12 – Newspaper circulation has fallen to an all-time low. Papers are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.

06/15/12 – Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to regulate the sport of boxing. The federal government? How many have more faith in Don King?!

06/15/12 – In Missouri, two women were arrested for flashing their breasts at golfers on a golf course. My question is, how can that be illegal in Missouri? Isn’t it the “Show Me” state?

06/15/12 – In New York City, Chris Brown suffered a gash to his chin in a bar brawl involving rapper Drake. Chris says he learned an important lesson: men fight back!

06/14/12 – In New Orleans, the “Times-Picayune” newspaper has eliminated 84 newsroom jobs. But publishers say the positions could be restored if the Internet turns out to be a fad.

06/14/12 – It was this week in 1844 that Charles Goodyear received a patent for a process to strengthen rubber. This after the accidental conception of Charles Goodyear Jr.

06/13/12 – China is preparing to send its first woman into space, which seems like a feminist breakthrough—-but she doesn’t want to go.

06/12/12 – Pundits say President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

06/11/12 – Yesterday a 97-year-old Ohio woman got her high school diploma. On the advice of her guidance counselor, she will attend a two-year college.

06/11/12 – A government survey shows that more teens are now smoking marijuana than cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot-smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception and can be a gateway to the White House.

06/08/12 – In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 21.9%. The solution to the problem is to raise taxes on the rich, according to Greek President Barack Obamopolous.

06/08/12 – According to a new book, in high school, Barack Obama smoked marijuana non-stop. Friends say Obama got high to escape his troubles. I bet he could go for a big joint right now!

06/08/12 – At an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghosts of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as Speaker. In a related story, doctors now say Botox can cause hallucinations.

06/06/12 – A Democratic candidate for Congress, right here in California, a man named “Andy Caffery” says if he wins, he will smoke a joint on the steps of Capitol Hill and if he has to, he will even get arrested. Finally, a politician who makes promises he can keep!

06/05/12 – John Edwards’ former mistress, Rielle Hunter, has written a memoir about their relationship. She didn’t actually write it herself. She used a ghost skank.

06/05/12 – Mitt Romney has released his financial disclosure records, and they contain some surprises. For example, some of his money is in American banks.

06/04/12 – A video of a 3-year-old boy in China riding a toy motorbike into a busy intersection and almost getting hit by a bus has gone viral. Now the kid’s in trouble because on the day the video was shot, he had called in sick to the factory.

06/04/12 – The economy is so bad, Bruce Jenner is keeping his face another year!

05/25/12 – According to reports, members of the DEA are now under investigation for hiring prostitutes in Colombia. They could be in big trouble because it’s a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent.

05/25/12 – At a casino in Monaco, Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two famous porn stars. He’s not just an ex-president; he’s a triple-X president!

05/24/12 – New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius.

05/22/12 – According to a new study, the average member of Congress can only speak at a 10th grade level. Which is worse than it sounds because the average 10th grader speaks at a 5th grade level.

05/21/12 – “Battleship” didn’t do well at the box office. As a result, Universal Pictures is now rethinking plans to make a big-screen version of Parcheesi.

05/21/12 – President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College. He told graduates their future is bright—unless they want jobs.

05/21/12 – Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin has renounced his U.S. citizenship to avoid paying taxes—to which Wesley Snipes said: “You can do that?!”

05/21/12 – Facebook raised $16 billion in its initial public offering. Congratulations to Mark Zuckerberg, who started Facebook in his Harvard dorm room and in only eight years, built it into the world’s most popular waste of time.

05/21/12 – Congratulations to Mark Zuckerberg, who married his longtime girlfriend Saturday. The happy couple are now honeymooning in Farmville.

05/18/12 – California is so broke, today in Beverly Hills, I saw a woman tanning in the sun!

05/18/12 – A new study says that if you drink three cups of coffee a day, you are more likely to live longer. But if you drink three cups of Starbucks coffee a day, you are more likely to die broke.

05/15/12 – JP Morgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter on risky investments. CEO Jamie Dimon apologized for the mistake, but he said it could have been worse. It could have been his money!

05/15/12 – The new issue of “Newsweek” has President Obama on the cover with the caption “The First Gay President.” Can you believe that? They’re still publishing “Newsweek!”

05/14/12 – In an interview with “People” magazine, Khloe Kardashian said she wants to start avoiding the spotlight. In a related story, the E! network is developing a new show called “Avoiding the Spotlight With Khloe!”

05/11/12 – On Mother’s Day, Hooters is giving away free wings to mothers. Taking Mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day. What better way to let her know she failed!

05/10/12 – The Colombian prostitute at the center of the Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued and underappreciated. In the world of prostitution, this is called the “job description.”

05/10/12 – The CIA disrupted a plot by al-Qaeda to take down a U.S. jet using an underwear bomber. Agents say these sophisticated, new explosive underwear were redesigned after terrorists complained that the old ones had a tendency to crawl up their asses.

05/10/12 – Yesterday President Obama announced he is in favor of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years and miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight’s Hollywood fundraiser!

05/09/12 – More problems for that New Jersey tanning mom. Today she was flour-bombed by members of PETA, who thought she was wearing leather.

05/09/12 – John Travolta is being sued by two male massage-therapists, who both accuse him of sexual assault. I do not believe Travolta is gay. I can tell by the way he uses his walk, he’s a woman’s man; no time to talk.

05/08/12 – Rick Santorum is here, making his first appearance on the Tonight Show. He says he hasn’t been this excited since he endorsed Mitt Romney.

05/07/12 – Saturday was Cinco de Mayo. In Mexico, people got so drunk, they were sneaking into Guatemala.

05/07/12 – According to the Pew Hispanic Center, for the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the U.S. than are coming in. In fact, this year, for the first time in decades, there will be more Cinco de Mayo parties in Mexico than in L.A.

05/04/12 – According to TMZ, the Octomom is going to make a masturbation video. That can’t be good for her kids, but you know who I feel sorry for? The cameraman! 

05/04/12 – In an effort to curtail health costs, the FDA is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. Which means one day, Americans could actually buy marijuana without even seeing a doctor!

05/02/12 – In April, CNN had its lowest rated month in over a decade. Network executives say they don’t know what’s gone wrong with the channel because they don’t watch it either.

05/02/12 – In April, CNN had its lowest rated month in over a decade. Do you know what you call Wolf Blitzer when he watches CNN? “A lone Wolf.”

04/30/12 – On CNN, they said that in addition to hiring prostitutes in Colombia, Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador. I think it’s shameful that they’re behaving this way overseas while here in the U.S., there are whores struggling to make ends meet.

04/27/12 – An Arab comedian has been found guilty by an Egyptian court of offending Islam. He apologized and said the same joke got big laughs in Tel Aviv. 

04/24/12 – Olive Garden has a new slogan: “Kids Drink Free!”

04/24/12 – It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in the Colombian prostitution scandal. Six agents have resigned, and the other six have been temporarily reassigned to the GSA.

04/23/12 – Newt Gingrich is so broke, he’s keeping his wife another year!

04/13/12 – According to MSNBC, Steven Tyler suffers from a painful medical condition that has disfigured his toes. As a result, he is forced to wear men’s shoes.

04/13/12 – Newt Gingrich is so broke, today he was a victim of identity theft, and now the thief is broke!

04/12/12 – Pizza Hut is now selling a pizza with a hotdog-stuffed crust. Ironically, you know what’s in the crust—but you still don’t know what’s in the hotdog.

04/11/12 – According to TMZ, Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West, and they’re apparently getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the man Kim wants to spend the rest of the month with.

04/09/12 – Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $50 million—-which comes to $10 million per viewer.

04/06/12 – Ashton Kutcher will portray Apple founder Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. And rumor has it that Jobs’ mother will be played by Demi Moore.

04/05/12 – An NFL cheerleader for the Cincinnati Bengals has been indicted on charges she had sex with a teenage boy. Or as the boy called it: “Fantasy Football.”

04/05/12 – How many are Christians observing Holy Week? OK, how many are heathens observing Spring Break?

04/05/12 – Al Gore’s Current TV has fired Keith Olbermann. I don’t want to say the audience was small but each night, Olbermann opened the show with “Good evening, Al.”

03/28/12 – From the “Jersey Shore,” Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino checked into rehab for a prescription drug addiction. It’s always sad to see talented young people succumb to substance abuse—but this is sad too.

03/28/12 – From the “Jersey Shore,” Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino checked into rehab for a prescription drug addiction. Fellow cast members say he fell in with the wrong crowd—them!

03/26/12 – Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering in a Virginia hospital after undergoing heart-transplant surgery. Fox News sent flowers, and MSNBC sent cheese-fries.

03/22/12 – Last night at the White House, President Obama and the First Lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish Prime Minister. There was a bartender pouring green beer, which was the closest Obama has come to creating a green job.

03/21/12 – In England, a 24-year-old woman who tests sex-toys for a living says she has the perfect job. In fact, she often continues working even after she gets off.

03/21/12 – According to a new survey, 75% of U.S. college presidents say colleges spend too much money on intercollegiate athletics. But on the other hand, they save money by not having to educate the athletes.

03/21/12 – According to the CDC, gonorrhea is developing resistance to all available antibiotics. That said, have a great Spring Break!

03/20/12 – Next month, the movie “Titanic” will be re-released in 3D. In this version, the captain doesn’t see the iceberg because he’s not wearing the special glasses.

03/20/12 – The State Department is warning Spring Breakers about the danger of violence from Mexican drug gangs. They say to avoid the threat, young people should stay the hell out of L.A.

03/20/12 – Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he’ll be the first Pope ever to attend Spring Break.

03/20/12 – Rick Santorum announced that if he is elected president of the U.S., he will crack down and end Internet pornography. Pundits say Santorum is clearly out of touch with male voters who are in touch with themselves.

03/19/12 – President Obama’s approval rating has fallen to a new low, as unemployment remains high and gas prices are skyrocketing. But there is good news for the President. His NCAA brackets are looking great!

03/19/12 – The Department of Homeland Security deported 397,000 illegal immigrants last year. And they’re threatening to deport them again this year.

03/16/12 – TODAY IN HISTORY (Mar. 19) – On this day in 1979, the U.S. House of Representatives began televising its day-to-day business. It was an immediate success, leading to the placement of cameras in other high-crime areas.

03/16/12 – St. Patrick’s Day is kind of embarrassing for President Obama. This will be the fourth St. Patrick’s Day of his presidency, and he still hasn’t created a green job.

03/15/12 – New research shows that women who drink are less likely to be obese than women who don’t drink. The same study found that obese women who do drink are more likely to be available at closing time.

03/13/12 – According to “Men’s Health” magazine, most women don’t want sex to last longer than 20 minutes. Experts say very few of these women have anything to worry about.

03/13/12 – Last week in Palm Springs, California, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. Tomorrow they will renew their vows because they don’t recall taking them the first time.

03/12/12 – They’re saying gas could be $6 a gallon by summer, but there is good news. The White House says President Obama is aware of the problem and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers.

03/12/12 – According to reports, Mitt Romney’s staff is digging up dirt on Rick Santorum. Do you know what you call somebody who digs up dirt on Ron Paul? An “archaeologist.”

03/02/12 – According to a new study, brunettes earn $8,400 more per year than blonds. Experts believe it’s because blonds are dumber.

 03/02/12 – A cat named “Hank” is running for the senate in Virginia. Do you know the difference between a cat and a politician? Cats don’t pretend to care about you.

03/01/12 – Rick Santorum is so conservative, the priest who married him was also at his bachelor party!

02/29/12 – Meeting with reporters in Mexico, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said the War on Drugs is not a failure—which surprised Mexican officials, who thought she had come to surrender.

02/27/12 – The Academy Awards were last night. Best Picture went to The Artist, a silent film. The last silent movie I saw was when my wife dragged me to Eat Pray Love and I wore earplugs.

02/23/12 – There was another Republican debate tonight on CNN. The winner was American Idol on Fox.

02/22/12 – Rick Santorum says Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. But today Satan said he avoids politics because it makes him feel dirty.

02/22/12 – Over the weekend, Paris Hilton won $30,000 playing blackjack in Las Vegas. Talk about dumb luck!

02/21/12 – According to the CDC, fewer teenagers are having sex. Researchers report a sharp increase in the number of teens who only like their teachers as friends.

02/17/12 – Happy Birthday to Paris Hilton! Hard to believe she’s 31. It seems like only yesterday she was that fresh-faced girl performing sex acts on camera.

02/17/12 – In an interview with The Guardian, famed poet Maya Angelou said: “President Obama has done a remarkable job.” Which is a bold statement considering unemployment is 8.3% … and 98.3% among poets.

02/17/12 – Rick Santorum’s tax records show that last year, he paid double the rate Mitt Romney paid. Romney is clever with his deductions. For example, he writes off poor people.

 02/13/12 – The Beach Boys will perform together for the first time in over 20 years at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards. I don’t want to say they’re getting old, but they’re no longer into surfing. These days, they’re into combing the beach with metal detectors.

 02/13/12 – The Beach Boys will perform together for the first time in over 20 years at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards. I don’t want to say they’re getting old, but they have re-written their hit “I Get Around.” It’s now “I Hover Round.”

 02/10/12 – Jack in the Box has something new, the Bacon Shake: 770 calories, 40 grams of fat. I don’t want to say it’s bad for your heart, but it’s endorsed by Dick Cheney.

 02/10/12 – The Beach Boys will perform together for the first time in over 20 years at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards. I don’t want to say they’re getting old, but they have a new song called “Help Me, Rhonda, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!”

 02/10/12 – The Indiana Health Department is warning that Super Bowl visitors may have been exposed to measles. And today Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele, said the Patriots’ receivers shouldn’t worry because you don’t just get measles; you have to catch them.

02/08/12 – A German acoustics expert has invented a hearing aid for cats. Now deaf cats can hear-but they still don’t listen.

 02/07/12 – McDonald’s announced that they’re removing the chemical ammonium hydroxide from their hamburgers. But they promise their burgers will still have their unique ammonium hydroxide flavor.

02/06/12 – Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that has sickened 68 people in 10 states. Health officials say if you’ve eaten at Taco Bell and you’re experiencing severe diarrhea, don’t worry. That’s normal.

02/03/12 – It is estimated that Americans will consume 1.2 billion chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday. That number is down 5% from last year because Paula Deen is now on a diet.

02/02/12 – According to a new report, Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. My question is, what do Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

02/02/12 – This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s restaurant to show that he’s a normal, everyday American, but I think he blew his cover. For example, when he walked in, he asked for the Maître d’.

02/02/12 – This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s restaurant to show that he’s a normal, everyday American, but I think he blew his cover. For example, he ordered a Big Mac under glass.

02/01/12 – The oldest active judge in U.S. history has passed away at the age of 104. Which means now our nation’s oldest active judge is Steven Tyler.

01/30/12 – Mitt Romney says he has not lived in Washington; he has lived in the real streets of America. In fact, when he was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge funds.

01/30/12 – Mitt Romney says he has not lived in Washington; he has lived in the real streets of America. In fact, he was born on Easy Street.

01/20/12 – Paula Deen announced she has Type-2 diabetes, and now she’s the spokesperson for a big pharmaceutical company. They’re coming out with the only diabetes drug that can be deep-fried.

01/19/12 – Tomorrow President Obama will be going to Disney World, where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. He’ll be joined by Mickey and Minnie Mouse, but not Goofy, who will be staying behind to tend to his Vice Presidential duties.

01/18/12 – According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese. This country used to be a melting pot. Now we’re a tub of lard!

01/13/12 – Mattel is now coming out with limited-edition Barbie dolls inspired by the Kardashian sisters. And because of recent developments, Khloe sold separately.

01/13/12 – According to a new survey, Internet dating was responsible for 2% of marriages last year. Ironically, it was responsible for 40% of divorces.

01/13/12 – At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, they’re demonstrating new televisions that respond to voice commands. These TVs are so sophisticated, when you tell them to turn on NBC, they try to talk you out of it.

01/13/12 – According to exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to whiter.

01/12/12 – More problems for Lindsay Lohan. The I.R.S. says she owes $94,000 in unpaid taxes. Lindsay’s parents say they’re proud that their daughter has graduated to white-collar crime.

01/12/12 – According to a new study, 5 to 10% of Internet users are addicted. Experts say if you’re spending too much time online, you should switch to AOL.

01/12/12 – After finishing fifth in New Hampshire, Newt Gingrich arrived in South Carolina, where his numbers are up. His cholesterol is up to 290; his blood pressure’s up to 250/130 and his body fat’s up to 65%.

01/11/12 – According to a new study, women in their 20s are happier than men in their 20s but by age 48, men are happier-especially if they have a woman in her 20s.

01/10/12 – Snoop Dogg was arrested at a border checkpoint in Texas after marijuana was found on his tour bus. Border officials said they became suspicious that the bus was carrying weed when they noticed it was carrying Snoop Dogg.

01/10/12 – According to “Cosmo” magazine, women who drink a glass or two of red wine a day are 30% less likely to be overweight. The same study found that men who drink heavily don’t care if women are overweight.

01/10/12 – According to the “National Enquirer,” John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He says she’s the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life cheating on.

01/06/12 – According to a new poll, 61% of women have an unfavorable opinion of Kobe Bryant. But in fairness to Kobe, many of the women surveyed had not slept with him.

01/04/12 – Elton John says he wants Justin Timberlake to play him in an upcoming film about his life. Justin would portray the young Elton. The older Elton will be played by Kathy Bates.

01/04/12 – In Indiana, a man was arrested for robbing a bank with a glue gun. Police say it’s impossible to overestimate the criminal influence of Martha Stewart.

01/04/12 – Researchers in Germany have successfully grown mouse sperm in a laboratory dish-giving hope to millions of infertile mouse couples who dream of having families.