Leno Report 2013
Some of Jay Leno’s Favorite ‘Benny’ Jokes from “The Tonight Show.”
12/20/13 – Chinese surgeons saved a man’s hand that was severed in a factory accident by sewing it to his ankle. Isn’t that astonishing? An adult man working in a Chinese factory?!
12/19/13 – The Centers for Disease Control is warning against eating raw cookie dough. They say it puts you at an increased risk for Salmonella, E. coli and a huge ass.
12/19/13 – This news couldn’t have come at a worse time. Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.
12/18/13 – Welcome, Mega Millions losers!
12/17/13 – Scientists at California’s Buck Institute of Age Research say gene manipulation will allow people to one day live to be 500 years old—making it more likely that John McCain will run for re-election.
12/16/13 – Over the weekend, the ObamaCare website was down. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up.
12/16/13 – Former reality-star Heidi Montag has downsized her F-cup breast implants. She says when she got them, she didn’t realize how much she would miss walking upright.
12/13/13 – Two million Facebook, Twitter and Gmail passwords have been stolen by hackers, and unfortunately, I’m among the victims. This morning when I logged onto Facebook, my Farmville chickens were gone.
12/13/13 – Times are changing. According to a new survey, 21% of us now say “Happy Holidays,” compared to 56% who say “Feliz Navidad!”
12/13/13 – Rightwing Texas Congressman and U.S. Senate candidate Steve Stockman said more people have Chlamydia than have signed up for ObamaCare. Do you know what ObamaCare and Chlamyida have in common? You can’t get either one online.
12/13/13 – Rightwing Texas Congressman and U.S. Senate candidate Steve Stockman said more people have Chlamydia than have signed up for ObamaCare. But that’s not a legitimate comparison. For example, there’s no fine for not getting Chlamydia.
12/13/13 – An elementary school in Frisco, Texas, has banned Christmas trees and renamed its Christmas party the “Winter Party.” The kids can’t even call Santa’s helpers “elves.” They are now “undocumented little people.”
12/13/13 – According to a new survey, 1 in 10 employees have started a relationship at their office Christmas party and of those, 25% said that’s how they met their spouse. The other 75% said that’s how they lost their spouse.
12/12/13 – In an interview with CNN, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said under ObamaCare, his insurance costs him $4,500 more than it did before. But it does cover his pre-existing condition: rigor mortis.
12/12/13 – According to CNN, 200,000 Americans have signed up for a one-way trip to Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians.
12/12/13 – A Chicago strip club is offering free lap-dances to customers who donate a new toy. The toys will be distributed to poor children whose fathers blow all their money on strippers.
12/11/13 – According to a new study, people who can ignore text messages are more likely to be happy—and less likely to drive over embankments.
12/11/13 – In Afghanistan, officials plan to reintroduce public stoning as punishment for adultery. Our cultures are so different. Here in the U.S., people get stoned before they commit adultery.
12/10/13 – Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have discovered the difference between male and female brains. It turns out women’s brains are in their heads.
12/10/13 – In a radio interview, Kanye West said he wants to be the “Obama of clothing.” To achieve his goal, he’s designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn’t work.
12/10/13 – Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters’ “10 Most Fascinating People of 2013.” In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the “10 Most Easily Fascinated People of 2013.”
12/09/13 – Merrill Newman, the 85-year-old American tourist detained in North Korea since October, has been released. His family says he’s feeling well and is already planning his next vacation to Pakistan.
12/09/13 – The Postal Service announced that it lost $5 billion this year. They say they’re reviewing their business model, which could mean big changes. The last time they reviewed their business model, they sold their ponies and bought trucks.
11/28/13 – Black Friday is this Friday; it’s the busiest shopping day of the year. Please be careful, and try not to injure your fellow shoppers. A lot of them no longer have health insurance.
11/27/13 – Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target and Macy’s are all going to open on Thanksgiving night. I’m sorry, but Thanksgiving isn’t about shopping; it’s a day to be home, reopening old wounds with relatives.
11/27/13 – At Wilmington College in Ohio, the Gamma Phi Gamma fraternity is in trouble after a pledge lost a testicle in a hazing accident. I’d hate to see such a fine organization brought down by one nut.
11/26/13 – Today in L.A., President Obama visited the famous film studio, DreamWorks. Don’t confuse DreamWorks with ObamaCare, which is a dream that didn’t work.
11/26/13 – Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke is stepping down. Last year, his salary was $18.2 million, making him the only Wal-Mart employee who didn’t have to shop at Wal-Mart.
11/26/13 – Three members of Willie Nelson’s band were slightly injured Saturday when their tour bus crashed into a bridge. In a related story, Willie has a new song. It’s called Off the Road Again.
11/26/13 – Rolling Stone is reporting that 79-year-old Charles Manson is going to marry his 25-year-old girlfriend. eHarmony matched them based on 29 dimensions of insanity.
11/26/13 – Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The tradition began in 1621 and soon after, the Indians realized their immigration system was broken.
11/25/13 – Over the weekend, the U.S. signed a nuclear deal with Iran, and President Obama promised the Iranians: “If you like your uranium, you can keep your uranium.”
11/25/13 – Forbes magazine’s annual list of the highest-earning musicians is out, and #1 is Madonna. This year, she brought in $125 million—not including Social Security.
11/25/13 – PETA says today’s turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they’re dying of heart attacks. Not to be insensitive, but that seems better than getting your head chopped off.
11/22/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY (Nov. 20) – On this day in 1985, the first version of Microsoft Windows was released—revolutionizing the way operating systems crash.
11/21/13 – Next Thursday is Thanksgiving. So if you’re expecting relatives, you’ve got a week to fake your own death.
11/20/13 – According to a new poll, 52% of Americans say President Obama is not honest—which is why today he changed his slogan from “Change We Can Believe In” to “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”
11/19/13 – In an interview with Fox News, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said he works out two hours a day. No wonder he’s in such great shape!
11/19/13 – The Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year is “selfie.” So, congratulations to Anthony Weiner!
11/19/13 – Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The tradition began in 1621, when early Americans feasted with undocumented Pilgrims.
11/19/13 – Happy Birthday to Larry King. His exact age is unknown because he refuses to submit to carbon dating.
11/19/13 – According to In Touch magazine, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are living apart—but I don’t believe it. There’s no way he could leave her behind.
11/18/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY (Nov. 19) – On this day in 1990, Milli Vanilli was stripped of their Grammy Award after it was revealed that neither of them sang on the their records. Back then, that kind of thing was frowned upon.
11/18/13 – In a Toronto City Council meeting, Mayor Rob Ford said: “I am most definitely keeping this job!” Ha! That’s what I used to say!
11/18/13 – Over the weekend, the Kardashian family held a yard sale and donated the proceeds to charity. Most of the items were used—except for some books which had never been opened.
11/15/13 – PETA says today’s turkeys are so fat, they can’t stand up, they’re prone to heart attacks and they have trouble mating. No, sorry, that’s what they say about us!
11/15/13 – On CNN, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said she’s one of the millions of Americans who have lost their health insurance. The good news for Bachmann is, under Obamacare, lunacy is considered a pre-existing condition.
11/14/13 – Tina Turner has officially relinquished her U.S. citizenship. She said she still loves America, but what’s love got to do with it?
11/14/13 – According to a new study, using the Internet too much can cause psychological problems. The good news is, help is available online.
11/14/13 – Today at the White House, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing Native-American communities—like card-counting.
11/14/13 – Today at the White House, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes. Native Americans are very upset. The country used to belong to them; now it belongs to the Chinese.
11/13/13 – According to a new report, over 1 million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. And some are so angry, they have already returned to Mexico.
11/13/13 – Happy Birthday to Prince Charles, who is 65. Today at his party, they brought out a big cake and a woman who looked like a man jumped out.
11/13/13 – Today at the White House, President Obama met with leaders of American Indian tribes. He promised them: “If you like your medicine man, you can keep your medicine man!”
11/13/13 – Tabloid reports that Lamar Odom has been spending a lot of time with a mystery woman are not true. TMZ has confirmed that this so-called “mystery woman” was actually Bruce Jenner.
11/13/13 – The Duck Dynasty family is now selling their own line of wines at Wal-Mart. They have both white and redneck.
11/13/13 – The Duck Dynasty family is now selling their own line of wines at Wal-Mart. They’re giving wine lovers a choice. You can buy bottled wine in the store, or outside, there’s a machine you can use to fill your own jug.
11/13/13 – Last night, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first game of the season, beating the Miami Dolphins 22-19. This was an important loss for the Dolphins, who proved they can embarrass themselves without Richie Incognito.
11/12/13 – According to a new poll, 26% of Americans would buy marijuana if it were legal in their state. The other 74% would continue buying it illegally.
11/12/13 – In Fayetteville, Alabama, a school-cafeteria worker pled guilty to having sex with a student at the high school. That’s unbelievable. When I was a kid, the lunch lady wouldn’t even give me extra Tater Tots!
11/11/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY (Nov. 12) – On this day in 1954, Ellis Island closed after processing more than 20 million immigrants. These people longed for a better life in America and didn’t know how easy it was to sneak in from Mexico.
11/11/13 – According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. If you’re interested in the job, there’s no need to submit a résumé; they already know everything about you.
11/08/13 – The next big holiday is Thanksgiving. The tradition began in 1621, when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians and promised them: “If you like your land, you can keep your land!”
11/08/13 – A federal judge in New Mexico has cleared the way for horses to be sold as dinner entrees. So next time you get a Wendy’s Double, it could be the Daily Double.
11/07/13 – Authorities have seized eight tons of marijuana and shut down another huge tunnel linking San Diego and Tijuana. More than 75 tunnels have been found since 2008. In fact, economists say the smugglers spend more on infrastructure than we do.
11/07/13 – Scientists say that women with large butts are smarter. In a related story, plans are now in the works for a special Celebrity Jeopardy featuring Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian and Beyonce.
11/07/13 – To celebrate the 34th anniversary of the storming of the U.S. embassy in Iran, Iranians chanted anti-Obama slogans and called him a dictator, which was surprising to me. I didn’t know Iran had a Tea Party.
11/07/13 – According to a new report, $1.4 billion worth of legal marijuana will be sold this year in the U.S. Do you know what this means? Glaucoma has reached epidemic proportions!
11/06/13 – Last night at a fundraiser, President Obama said what he promised was that you could keep your healthcare plan “if it hasn’t changed since the law was passed.” And he’s such a convincing speaker, he almost believed it himself! Then his pants caught fire.
11/06/13 – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been reelected. In his victory speech, he said he’s learned a lot in the last four years. For example, lap-band surgery doesn’t always work.
11/04/13 – A new memoir by Willie Nelson will be released in 2015. Publishers say the book will reveal how marijuana has affected Willie’s life. For example, he started writing it in 1946.
11/04/13 – Today President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks to the White House, where he told players: “If you like the Stanley Cup, you can keep the Stanley Cup!”
11/04/13 – The White House is now asking for pictures of people who are happy with Obamacare. Unfortunately, so far, the only photo they have received was from Anthony Weiner.
11/01/13 – When Kim Kardashian was here, she said she’s trying to “live more of a private life.” In a related story, the E! network is developing a new show called Living More of a Private Life With Kim Kardashian!
10/31/13 – As they do every Halloween, hospitals around the country will be X-raying trick-or-treaters’ candy. But due to Obamacare, there will be a $1,000 co-pay.
10/31/13 – These trick-or-treaters are getting fatter and fatter. I gave an overweight kid a Snickers bar, and he asked me to deep-fry it.
10/30/13 – The FTC reports that con artists are using confusion over Obamacare to sign people up for fake health-insurance. They say the scammers lure victims with false promises, such as “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.”
10/30/13 – The Tanning Mom has shot a porn film. The shoot was protested by members of PETA, who thought she was wearing leather.
10/30/13 – Today the White House announced that President Obama is changing his slogan from “Change We Can Believe In” to “I Know Nothing!”
10/29/13 – Healthcare.gov went offline Sunday. Times are changing. I can remember when President Obama’s worst embarrassment was Joe Biden!
10/29/13 – Healthcare.gov is so slow, by the time you sign up for Obamacare, you’re eligible for Medicare!
10/28/13 – According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s easy to identify the phony sites because they work.
10/28/13 – According to a new survey, 15% of dog owners will buy their dog a Halloween costume. Veterinarians say while our dogs can’t comprehend Halloween, they can sense we’re too dumb to know that.
10/28/13 – Trick-or-treating is expected to decline for the 10th straight year. Experts say kids still love candy, but they hate walking.
10/25/13 – Entertainment Weekly reports that British actor Tom Hardy will play Elton John in the upcoming biopic Rocketman. Hardy will portray the young Elton. The older Elton will be played by Kathy Bates.
10/25/13 – Dick Cheney’s new memoir came out today, and it contains some surprises. For example, he’s still alive!
10/25/13 – This is National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week. Students are being urged to funnel beer responsibly.
10/25/13 – A company is now marketing something called the “Funkybod.” It’s a padded undershirt for men that gives the appearance of a tight, toned chest and biceps. I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not wearing one. This is the real me!
10/24/13 – Obamacare is off to a rocky start. In fact, marketing experts are comparing the rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke.
10/24/13 – According to a new survey, Americans have a higher opinion of hemorrhoids than they do of Congress. But comparing Congressmen to hemorrhoids is like comparing apples to apples.
10/24/13 – A Texas high-school football coach has been accused of bullying after his team won a game 91-0. Obviously, it was a humiliating loss for their opponent, the Jacksonville Jaguars.
10/24/13 – The mayor of Montebello, California, Christina Cortez, told the L.A. Times she was shocked to learn that her husband was arrested for running a meth lab, but looking back, there were clues. Like the time their house exploded.
10/23/13 – The Obama administration has asked Verizon to help fix the Obamacare website. Verizon wasn’t the President’s first choice. He initially reached out to T-Mobile, but the call was dropped.
10/22/13 – A Lake Elsinore, California, woman has just given birth to her 17th child. Today she and her husband announced they will stop home-schooling their kids because of classroom overcrowding.
10/11/13 – Monday is Columbus Day. I saw this on the History Channel. Historians say Columbus’ ships lacked proper sanitation, which made the long voyage as miserable as a Carnival Cruise.
10/10/13 – Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill allowing children in California to have more than two legal parents. Ironically, most kids in California have two illegal parents.
10/10/13 – Economists say if government spending exceeds the debt ceiling, consumers won’t be able to get credit cards at favorable rates. That will take some getting used to. For so long, they’ve been spoiling us with 30% interest!
10/10/13 – According to TMZ, contrary to earlier reports, Britney Spears’ son, Sean Preston, will not be dancing onstage in Las Vegas. And like his mom, he won’t be singing either.
10/09/13 – Paris Hilton has released a new single with Lil Wayne. They’re being billed as “Lil Wayne & Lil Brain.”
10/09/13 – Have you seen Gravity? It’s unbelievable, but scientists are pointing out flaws. For example, Sandra Bullock’s hair doesn’t float freely on her head. And the criticism isn’t reserved for Gravity. These same scientists say no matter how cloudy it is, there is never a chance of meatballs.
10/09/13 – Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for reelection next year. And he already has a campaign slogan: “Vote Assad or Get Gassed!”
10/09/13 – The government shutdown will not interfere with NASA’s next Mars mission. Ironically, we can go to Mars, but we can’t go to the Statue of Liberty!
10/08/13 – This is National Newspaper Week. Circulation has fallen to an all-time low; papers are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.
10/07/13 – The Supreme Court’s new term began today, and they’re expected to take up several divisive issues. That’s good. I was afraid the country was becoming too unified.
10/07/13 – According to reports, the Russian government is planning “near-total surveillance” of visitors and athletes at the Winter Olympics. Opposition leaders are complaining that Russia is becoming like the United States.
10/07/13 – In Philadelphia, a historic landmark, City Tavern, which was frequented by the Founding Fathers, has been closed due to the shutdown. Opened in 1773, the iconic watering hole was the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.
10/04/13 – You can see the effects of the shutdown. It’s so bad, Nancy Pelosi is keeping her face another year!
10/04/13 – Hundreds of thousands of nonessential employees have been laid off, and ordinary Americans are feeling the pain. For example, we’ve already gone two whole days without the services of the U.S. Poet Laureate.
10/03/13 – You can see the effects of the shutdown. It’s so bad, today Michelle Obama told fat kids: “You’re on your own!”
10/03/13 – You can see the effects of the shutdown. It’s so bad, President Obama has switched to miniature golf!
10/02/13 – Because of the shutdown, the Smithsonian Institution is closed. As a result, tourists who come to see historical relics are being directed to John McCain’s office.
10/02/13 – McDonald’s announced it will be offering healthy options with its value meals. Now you can get a salad, fruit or vegetables instead of fries. McDonald’s offering healthy options is just wrong! It’s like a brothel offering women who just want to be friends.
09/30/13 – According to a new study, women report they orgasm 60% of the time. The other 40% of the time, they rely on men.
09/30/13 – The Post Office is now asking for a 3-cent increase to 49 cents for first-class mail. They say raising rates is the only way they can compete with email, which is much faster—and free.
09/27/13 – Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced he’s retiring after the 2014 season. His 22-year term has been marked by robust growth in attendance, revenues and players’ heads.
09/26/13 – President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said raising the debt limit does not increase debt. Just like raising the speed limit does not increase speed.
09/26/13 – A 99-year-old Iowa woman has just received her high-school diploma. On the advice of her guidance counselor, she will attend a two-year college.
09/26/13 – According to the New England Journal of Medicine, 30 minutes of sex provides an excellent workout, but be careful choosing your partner. This is one exercise where you don’t want to “feel the burn.”
09/26/13 – The Dallas Zoo is transferring a silverback gorilla named “Patrick” to a zoo in South Carolina because he’s antisocial. Zookeepers say rather than interact with the other gorillas, Patrick rarely looks up from his phone.
09/25/13 – Gas is so expensive, NFL players are forced to choose between drinking and driving!
09/24/13 – Today at the U.N., President Obama met with the president of Nigeria, who advised Obama to eliminate America’s debt by sending out fraudulent emails.
09/23/13 – Britney Spears has signed a two-year deal to perform at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. If you’re going to Vegas, don’t miss this show. They say seeing Britney in concert is the closest thing to seeing her sing live.
09/23/13 – According to TMZ, Jon Gosselin pulled a gun on a female paparazzo in Pennsylvania—but she still refused to take his picture.
09/20/13 – Miller Lite is now advertising a new punch-top can that makes the beer pour faster. At last, no more struggling with clumsy funnels!
09/20/13 – Monday is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. I don’t know if I’ll celebrate. I could go either way.
09/19/13 – Critics say Obamacare will require doctors to ask you about your sex life. That’s outrageous! My sex life is between me and the NSA!
09/19/13 – Pundits say President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
09/18/13 – Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics because of Russia’s anti-gay laws. These laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.
09/18/13 – Starbucks has a new policy; they’re asking you to leave your guns at home. This makes it easier for them to rob you.
09/17/13 – According to the CDC, a new strain of drug-resistant gonorrhea poses an urgent threat with the potential to become widespread. Even so, ABC has no plans to cancel The Bachelor.
09/17/13 – Congratulations to the cowboy from the Village People. Over the weekend, he married his boyfriend. The cowboy used to date the Indian, but they were always fighting.
09/17/13 – According to a new report, over the last three years, Social Security overpaid $1.29 billion in benefits, establishing itself as the federal government’s most efficient program.
09/16/13 – The E! Network announced that Lamar Odom is getting his own reality show. It’s called Keeping Up With Charlie Sheen!
09/13/13 – Here in California, the State Assembly has passed a bill allowing illegal immigrants to receive driver’s licenses. In addition to licenses, they will also get phony proof-of-insurance.
09/13/13 – In Touch is reporting that Lamar Odom is so mad at the Kardashians, he may start revealing family secrets. In fact, he’s already hinting that Bruce Jenner has had some work done.
09/12/13 – According to a new survey, meth use is on the rise among senior citizens. In extreme cases, elderly addicts have been known to stay awake until 8 pm.
09/11/13 – Last night, President Obama addressed the nation on Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the President’s plan feel better now, knowing that he’s confused too.
09/11/13 – A 43-year-old Tennessee woman was hospitalized after hiding $5,000 in her rectum. She told doctors she didn’t want her mouth to write a check that her ass couldn’t cash.
09/11/13 – On Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner announced that she and Bruce Jenner made a sex tape. It’s calledKeeping Up With Kim Kardashian!
09/10/13 – Last month, 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3%. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction, and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.
09/10/13 – A new study found that dolphins really do talk to each other; they have their own language. Unlike humans, dolphins have to talk to each other because they don’t have fingers, which means they can’t text.
09/10/13 – Tomorrow Anheuser-Busch will open its new “Bud Lab” beer-research center at the University of Illinois. They already have a beer-research center. It’s called the “University of Illinois.”
09/09/13 – President Obama will address the nation on Syria Tuesday night. Which means here on NBC, America’s Got Talentwill be preempted by America’s Got Problems.
09/09/13 – In his weekly radio address, President Obama said U.S. military involvement in Syria would have a definite time limit. A definite time limit? We still have troops in Germany!
09/09/13 – President Obama says an intervention in Syria would last days, not weeks, but history shows that military conflicts are unpredictable. For example, the Hundred Years War was only expected to last for one weekend.
09/06/13 – Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria a war, President Obama is calling it a “limited military intervention.” Which sounds better than “potential endless quagmire.”
09/06/13 – Sunday is National Iguana Awareness Day. Once prominent among lizards, iguanas have fallen out of favor in recent years because they can’t save you money on car insurance.
09/05/13 – A 43-year-old Tennessee woman was hospitalized after hiding $5,000 in her rectum. She said keeping money in your rectum is painful, but it’s better than dealing with banks.
09/04/13 – A 43-year-old Tennessee woman was hospitalized after hiding $5,000 in her rectum. She didn’t have health insurance but fortunately, she had money coming out the wazoo.
09/04/13 – Over the weekend, President Obama said he’ll seek Congressional approval before attacking Syria, while insisting that he doesn’t need their approval. When asked if he’s sending mixed messages, the President said: “Yes and no.”
09/03/13 – The New England Patriots have released Tim Tebow. Hopefully, he’ll get picked up by another team because unlike most NFL players, he doesn’t have a criminal career to fall back on.
09/03/13 – Sixty-four-year-old endurance swimmer Diana Nyad has finally succeeded in her fifth attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. Because of the seawater, she emerged with grotesquely swollen lips, which made her look a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.
08/30/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY (Aug. 29) – Here’s a back-to-school quiz. Do you know what happened on this day in 1619? John McCain was born!
08/30/13 – Prime Minister David Cameron said the UK won’t attack Syria, after Parliament rejected his motion. The British Constitution requires approval from the legislature to go to war, unlike here in the U.S., where we have a monarch.
08/29/13 – A French manufacturer of adult products is catering to environmentalists with a new line of “green” sex-toys. We already have those. They’re called “cucumbers.”
08/29/13 – Now that San Diego Mayor Bob Filner is gone, a top candidate to replace him is a guy named “Carl DeMaio,” who has been accused of leaving City Council meetings to go masturbate in the men’s room. Unlike Filner, who preferred to masturbate in the ladies room.
08/28/13 – Al-Jazeera America is now on the air. In addition to news, the channel will air its own reality-show: Keeping Up With the Ahmedinejads.
08/28/13 – Al-Jazeera America is now on the air. In addition to news, the channel will air its own reality-show: Here Comes Honey Baba!
08/27/13 – Police in Boynton Beach, Florida, arrested a mother and daughter for offering a two-for-one escort service. The women said they’d been working as a twosome ever since Grandma died.
08/27/13 – Because of a flaw during the printing process, 30 million new $100-bills had to be destroyed. What were we thinking? If the bills were worthless, we should have used them to pay off the Chinese!
08/27/13 – Because of a flaw during the printing process, 30 million new $100-bills had to be destroyed. Treasury officials said the picture of Benjamin Franklin looked too much like Susan Boyle.
08/26/13 – Former teen-idol Leif Garrett warned Justin Bieber: “Don’t believe your own publicity.” To which Justin said, “Could I just have my Happy Meal, please?”
08/09/13 – A mother in Arkansas was arrested for helping her son break out of prison. She said she did it because his prison-wife wasn’t good enough for him.
08/09/13 – Anthony Weiner has just released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Please! If Anthony Weiner wanted to improve life in New York City, he would move to New Jersey!
08/09/13 – Today at the White House, President Obama met with Greek Prime Minister Antonis Samaras to discuss reforming Greece’s economy. Or as economists called it: “the blind leading the blind.”
08/07/13 – A 64-year-old Dominican Republic man has gone on TV asking for help finding his missing penis. He said he woke up after a night of heavy drinking and it was gone. Today Anthony Weiner said this is why you should always keep photos.
08/07/13 – Baseball players on steroids are setting a bad example for young fans. It’s not like the good old days, when kids could look up to alcoholics like Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle.
08/06/13 – Former President George W. Bush is recovering in a Dallas hospital after undergoing heart surgery. Fox News sent flowers, and MSNBC sent cheese-fries.
08/06/13 – The White House announced that in the coming days, President Obama will be reaching out to Americans who have lost their jobs. In fact, next week, he’ll be here with me on The Tonight Show!
08/05/13 – According to the Pew Research Center, 36% of the nation’s young adults are living with their parents. And sadly, 50% of these parents are living with their parents.
08/02/13 – Homeland Security reports that it has lost track of more than 1 million illegal-immigrants. Unfortunately, the NSA can’t help because they only stalk American citizens.
08/02/13 – In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said the name “Carlos Danger” was a joke. How many think Anthony Weiner is a joke?!
08/01/13 – Fast-food workers walked off the job in seven cities, all across the country, Monday, in a campaign for higher wages and the right to unionize. The strike was a wake-up call to millions of Americans, who found themselves scrambling for ass-enlarging alternatives.
08/01/13 – German scientists say they have successfully trapped light and held it in a small space. Do you know how they did it? They closed a refrigerator.
07/31/13 – In a new campaign ad, Anthony Weiner says: “Quit isn’t the way we roll in New York City.” Which is better than his old slogan: “When in doubt, whip it out!”
07/31/13 – O.J. Simpson is so fat, his cellmate only likes him as a friend!
07/31/13 – A man here in California went bankrupt collecting Beanie Babies. This guy spent $100,000, his life savings, collecting Beanie Babies, thinking one day his collection would become so valuable, it would pay for his children’s college education. He says he now realizes he should have invested in Cabbage Patch Kids.
07/30/13 – Garry Davis, a leader of the One World movement dedicated to erasing all national borders, has passed away at age 91. His campaign was mostly unsuccessful, except in the area between the U.S. and Mexico.
07/30/13 – NBC is coming out with a four-hour miniseries about Hillary Clinton. Diane Lane will play Hillary, and Bill Clinton will be portrayed by Ron Jeremy.
07/30/13 – According to the New York Post, the Clintons are angry about being compared to the Weiners—and rightly so. Bill Clinton took his sexual misconduct seriously, while Anthony Weiner just phoned it in.
07/29/13 – Rapper DMX has been arrested again, this time in South Carolina for DUI. He has a long rap-sheet. In fact, he has been arrested so many times, he’s changing his name from “DMX” to “NFL.”
07/29/13 – According to a new poll, 80% of women have an unfavorable opinion of Anthony Weiner. But to be fair, many of the women surveyed had not seen his penis.
07/29/13 – Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager, Danny Kedem, has quit. And today he accepted a new job: spokesman for Ball Park Franks.
07/29/13 – Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager has quit. He felt that Weiner was becoming overexposed.
07/25/13 – Economists estimate that the Royal Baby will pump $380 million into the British economy. With all due respect, it may be time for Barack and Michelle to get busy.
07/25/13 – Pope Francis is in Rio for Youth Week. Tonight he was greeted by over 1 million Brazilians on Copacabana Beach for the first-ever Blessing of the Thongs.
07/24/13 – Anthony Weiner admitted in a press conference that well after he resigned from Congress, he continued to sext photos of his privates. He said: “I told you that other texts and photos were likely to come out, and today they have.” Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!
07/24/13 – Anthony Weiner admitted in a press conference that well after he resigned from Congress, he continued to sext photos of his privates. This time, he used the name “Carlos Danger.” Do you know why he used “Carlos Danger?” “Whitey Bulger” was already taken.
7/23/13 – New research shows that mosquitoes prefer to bite beer-drinkers. But the study was unable to determine whether it’s because they taste great or are less filling.
07/23/13 – According to a new study, lying gets easier over time; people get better at lying the more they do it. This is why we need term limits!
07/23/13 – A key witness for the prosecution in the racketeering-and-murder trial of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger was found dead this week. The cause of death was being a key witness for the prosecution in the racketeering-and-murder trial of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger
07/19/13 – The Boy Scouts of America are being criticized for not allowing overweight Boy Scouts to attend the annual Jamboree. I feel sorry for gay scouts who are too heavy. They just got in, and now they’re getting kicked out!
07/18/13 – Long John Silver’s “Big Catch Meal” has been named the worst restaurant meal in America. It has 33 grams of trans fat, 19 grams of saturated fat and 3,700 milligrams of sodium. Instead of the “Big Catch,” they should call it the “Deadliest Catch!”
07/18/13 -– According to a new study at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, baldness can increase a man’s risk of heart disease. Unfortunately, doctors say your heart can’t be fooled by a comb-over.
07/16/13 – President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, which the kids seemed to believe. But when he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit, they busted out laughing.
7/16/13 – Twinkies returned to the stores yesterday, and a lot of Twinkie lovers are complaining that they appear smaller than they used to be—and it’s true. Studies show that you have to eat 13 new Twinkies to get the same ass-enlarging benefits as a dozen old Twinkies.
07/15/13 – Long John Silver’s “Big Catch Meal” has been named the worst restaurant meal in America. It has 33 grams of trans fat, 19 grams of saturated fat and one gram of fish.
07/15/13 – According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. Naturally, these findings scare the hell out of the U.S. Congress.
07/11/13 – A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber in a restaurant’s kitchen, urinating in a mop bucket. As a result, he has been banned from Chuck E. Cheese for life.
07/11/13 – Thirty-two NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, football cards now include a front and side-view.
07/11/13 – Thirty-two NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, this year on NBC’s Sunday Night Football, Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth will be joined in the booth by Nancy Grace.
07/08/13 – At Coney Island, they had the annual 4th of July hotdog-eating contest, and in keeping with tradition, the winner was a loser.
07/08/13 – According to the Census Bureau, more Asians are immigrating to this country than any other minority group. They assimilate quickly, considering that when they get here, most of them don’t even speak Spanish.
06/28/13 – There’s a big amusement-park in Mexico that has opened a fake border-crossing attraction. Unfortunately, the park is losing money because instead of buying tickets, people are sneaking in.
06/27/13 – WHAT A CROWD! – You sound like Bert and Ernie when the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act!
06/27/13 – The Girl Scouts announced that their pension plan has a $347-million deficit. In addition to teaching girls about camping, the group prepares them for careers in government.
06/25/13 – Tourism officials in Paris have launched a campaign to make the city friendlier to tourists. They say the first step is expelling the French.
06/25/13 –- In a radio interview, Pat Buchanan predicted that the inflow of Hispanics from the immigration bill will break the U.S. into two countries, with different cultures and languages. As a resident of L.A., I can’t imagine what that would be like!
06/24/13 –- The “Tanning Mom” has posed for topless photos on a Malibu beach. The shoot was protested by members of PETA, who thought she was wearing leather.
06/24/13 – NSA leaker Edward Snowden managed to get out of the U.S. and leak classified information, and he remains at large. What were the odds that out of 315 million Americans, he would be the only one the government wasn’t watching?
06/21/13 – This week, the American Medical Association officially recognized obesity as a disease. Which means you no longer have a fat ass; you now have a pre-existing condition!
06/20/13 – President Obama is hinting that he may replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke next year. Bernanke has said he’d like to get job in the private sector, apparently not realizing there aren’t any jobs in the private sector.
06/19/13 – In Xalapa, Mexico, a cat named “Morris” is running for mayor. Do you know the difference between a cat and a politician? Cats don’t pretend to care about you.
06/19/13 – Kim Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl. They’re both doing fine, but Kim’s doctor is urging her to take adequate time to recover before she returns to doing nothing.
06/18/13 – In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con-man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!
06/17/13 – Kim Kardashian has given birth to a healthy little girl. Kim says she and Kanye want to keep the baby out of the public eye. In a related story, the E! network is developing a new show called Keeping the Baby Out of the Public Eye With the Kardashians!
06/17/13 – Kim Kardashian has given birth to a healthy little girl. When the doctor slapped the baby, he said he regretted that he couldn’t slap the rest of the family.
06/17/13 – This is the 42nd anniversary of the War on Drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by an hour of laughter.
06/17/13 – It’s official. Arnold Schwarzenegger is making another Terminator movie. I don’t want to say he’s getting old, but the role of Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.
06/14/13 – Today President Obama spoke at the LGBT Pride Month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is President, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.
06/14/13 – The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because women aren’t allowed to drive.
06/14/13 – It was this week in 1844 that Charles Goodyear received a patent for a process to strengthen rubber. This after the accidental conception of Charles Goodyear Jr.
06/14/13 – Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told reporters he’s in the midst of a comprehensive investigation into steroid abuse in the game. He said: “Big heads are going to roll.”
06/13/13 – The world’s oldest human-tumor has been found on the rib of a Neanderthal skeleton in Croatia. The tumor would have been discovered sooner but over there, they have government healthcare.
06/13/13 – A 97-year-old New York man has just received his high-school diploma. On the advice of his guidance counselor, he will attend a two-year college.
06/10/13 – Today President Obama met with Chinese President Xi in Palm Springs, California. It was a critically important meeting because Obama is the leader of the most powerful country in the world, and Xi holds the mortgage on it.
06/07/13 – Actress Esther Williams has passed away at age 91. The cause of death was not waiting an hour after eating to go swimming.
06/06/13 – A judge has finalized Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ divorce—clearing the way for Kim to become an unwed mother.
06/06/13 – An 18-year-old California woman is suing United Airlines for allowing a man to masturbate in the seat next to her during a flight from New York to L.A. The guy said he would have been more discreet, but he wasn’t paying $8 for a blanket.
06/05/13 – New research shows that a simple visual-test can accurately predict a person’s IQ. Now your doctor can tell you in one visit that your eyes are bad and you’re stupid too.
06/05/13 – President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media-shield law, which would allow reporters to do their jobs without fear of government prosecution. I think we already have that. It’s called the “First Amendment!”
06/05/13 – This Friday, Chinese President Xi Jinping will be in California. The purpose of his visit is to strengthen ties with the Mexican people.
06/04/13 – A man in Japan claims he was able to lose nine pounds in two months by masturbating three to five times a day. Ironically, instead of looking at porn, he just thinks about Jenny Craig.
06/03/13 – American Airlines is now offering lie-flat beds in first class. To make room, coach is standing-room only.
06/03/13 – In Pakistan, the Taliban’s #2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s #3 man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.
06/03/13 – A man in Florida has been charged with murder after he butt-dialed 911, and the operator heard him plan the whole murder. Police say he might have gotten away with the crime if he’d had T-Mobile.
06/03/13 – In China, a baby boy who was rescued from a sewer pipe has been released from the hospital. Doctors say he’s doing fine, but it will be several months before he can report to work at the factory.
06/03/13 – President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How many think he should close the IRS?!
05/24/13 – A bar in Brooklyn is going to be holding a small-penis contest. Believe it or not, I once entered a small-penis contest. I came in last place!
05/24/13 – Paris Hilton is coming out with a second album this summer. The timing is curious because she still hasn’t apologized for her first album.
05/24/13 – Paris Hilton is coming out with a second album this summer. Producers say recording it was a challenge because Paris has no talent.
05/23/13 – The latest scandal in Washington is raising questions about the IRS. For example, why is it called the “Internal Revenue Service?” Is having your money confiscated really a service?
05/21/13 – There are now several dating-websites that cater to Star Trek fans. Experts say you actually have a better chance of getting laid on ChristianMingle.
05/21/13 – Yesterday President Obama gave the commencement speech at Morehouse College. He told graduates their future is bright—unless they want jobs.
05/20/13 – Everyone in New York City is wondering what day Anthony Weiner will announce he’s running for mayor. He told reporters: “Live by the sword; die by the sword.” Which is better than his old slogan: “When in doubt, whip it out!”
05/20/13 – In Pennsylvania, a white-tailed deer crashed through the windshield of a public bus and ran out through the door. The driver said the deer looked like Nancy Pelosi in the headlights.
05/17/13 – Love him or hate him, you have to admit, President Obama is a new kind of Democrat. He’s embroiled in three scandals, and none of them involves sex!
05/16/13 – A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama is, he’s no longer being compared to President Carter.
05/14/13 – Teen Mom Farrah Abraham is the star of the new adult-film Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen-Mom. Hopefully, this association with reality-TV won’t leave a permanent stain on the porn industry.
05/14/13 – First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal. Now the administration is accused of secretly obtaining the Associated Press’ phone records. These are stunning developments. I can remember when President Obama’s worst embarrassment was Joe Biden!
05/14/13 – Happy Birthday to Mark Zuckerberg, who is 29. What an amazing story. He started Facebook in his Harvard dorm room and in a few short years, built it into the world’s most popular waste of time.
05/13/13 – Photo agents say a picture of Lindsay Lohan in rehab could sell for $100,000. In a related story, today police arrested a man with a camera, who tried to force his way into the Betty Ford Center. His name: Michael Lohan.
05/13/13 – According to a new report, photos sent on the sexting app, Snapchats, don’t disappear in 10 seconds as advertised, and can be recovered easily with special software. Wow, Anthony Weiner can’t catch a break!
05/10/13 – Sunday is Mother’s Day. Times have changed. I remember when motherhood was symbolized by June Cleaver, Harriet Nelson and Marion Cunningham. Now we have Tanning Mom, Octomom and Backdoor Teen-Mom.
05/09/13 – On Mother’s Day, Hooters is giving away free wings to mothers. Some sons never get tired of Mom saying: “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
05/09/13 – On the East Coast, billions of flying insects, called “17-Year Cicadas,” have been coming out of their underground burrows, where they’ve been hiding for 17 years; they wait 17 years to have sex. Is that such a big deal? I waited 19 years to have sex!
05/08/13 – On Mother’s Day, Hooters is giving away free wings to mothers. Taking Mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day. What better way to let her know she failed?!
05/08/13 – In a stunning come-back, former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who less than four years ago was exposed as an unethical, lying cheater, has been elected to Congress—where he should fit right in.
05/07/13 – According to TMZ, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby will not be featured onKeeping Up With the Kardashians because they want to keep the child out of the public eye. How many think they should keep the whole family out of the public eye?!
05/07/13 – Today Lindsay Lohan entered the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at the facility swear by it. In fact, they return again and again.
05/07/13 – Taco Bell announced plans to roll out a $1 menu. Executives say in this tough economy, customers are looking for more affordable ways to get diarrhea.
05/06/13 – Over the weekend, President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said: “I dare you to do better. I dare you to be better.” To which the graduates chanted: “We dare YOU! We dare YOU!”
05/06/13 – Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last few years, attracting investments from companies all around the world. As a result, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans.
05/06/13 – I enjoyed a traditional Cinco de Mayo. I drank margaritas in the Home Depot parking lot.
05/03/13 – In Florida, a 34-year-old man was arrested after allegedly calling 9-1-1 80 times, asking for Kool-Aid, burgers and weed to be delivered to his home. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he had already had enough weed.
05/02/13 – Today President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the Oval Office. Lew reports once a month to President Obama—and twice a month to President Xi Jinping.
05/02/13 – Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in American Jamestown resorted to cannibalism. Which sounds terrible, but they were from England, so it was better than the food back home.
05/02/13 – Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in American Jamestown resorted to cannibalism. They were determined to survive so they could civilize the Indians.
05/01/13 – A Wal-Mart employee in upstate New York has been arrested for working as a male prostitute at the Wal-Mart. It seems he was the only one in the store earning more than 10 bucks an hour.
05/01/13 – According to a new study, women in their 20s are happier than men in their 20s but by age 48, men are happier—especially if they have a woman in her 20s.
04/30/13 – In upstate New York, a 22-year-old, male Wal-Mart employee was arrested for allegedly engaging in prostitution in the store’s men’s room. He told cops he used to be a high-class hooker, but then he got fired from Target.
04/30/13 – In a Senate hearing on drones, former Vice President Walter Mondale said targeted killings by the U.S. are used by our adversaries to call us hypocrites. Can you believe that? Walter Mondale is still alive?!
04/26/13 – Cleveland Browns linebacker Quentin Groves was arrested the other night for soliciting a prostitute, and today, the NFL handed down his punishment. He will remain with the Cleveland Browns.
04/25/13 – According to Politico, CNN is in talks with Newt Gingrich to co-host a revamped version of Crossfire. But Newt is also considering offers from The Biggest Loser and Wife Swap.
04/25/13 – Today all five living ex-presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. It’s ironic because in high school, Bush was voted “Least Likely to Have a Library Named After Him.”
04/23/13 – U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong-un. They say he’s a narcissist obsessed with Hollywood, plastic surgery and the NBA, a condition known as “Kardashianism.”
04/23/13 – Because of the sequester, the FAA has imposed furloughs on air-traffic controllers. Obviously, passengers feel uneasy taking off and landing, knowing there’s nobody in the tower sleeping.
04/23/13 – According to the New York Times, the new trend for parents in New York City is raising diaper-free babies. It’s great if you want your home to have the feel and smell of a Carnival Cruise ship.
04/23/13 – The New Jersey “Tanning Mom” has posed for topless photos on a Jersey beach. The shoot was protested by members of PETA, who thought she was wearing leather.
04/23/13 – NBC is going green this week, promoting ways to save our planet. Really? We can’t even save our primetime lineup!
04/22/13 – A judge has granted Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries a divorce—clearing the way for Kim to become an unwed mother.
04/12/13 – Lindsay Lohan will be moving into the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of rehab. Her father, Michael, was treated there in the late ‘80s, which makes Lindsay a legacy.
04/12/13 – According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40% of respondents said: “Sí.”
04/12/13 – Adam Levine, from The Voice, is here to talk about his extremely rare experience: being on a hit show on NBC!
04/11/13 – According to a new study, baldness can raise a man’s risk of heart disease. Unfortunately, doctors say your heart cannot be fooled by a comb-over.
04/11/13 – Tonight President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The President had to do without salt, pepper and butter because the Republicans refused to pass anything.
04/11/13 – At the Home Depot in West Covina, a man grabbed a handsaw and sawed through both his arms to the bone. Sadly, he still couldn’t get the attention of a salesperson.
04/11/13 – According to Foreign Policy magazine, U.S. and North Korean officials secretly met in New York City last month. Sources say this meeting was so secret, not even Dennis Rodman knew about it.
04/09/13 – A cat that went missing in Las Vegas 13 years ago was found near its old home and returned to its owners, who now live in San Diego. They were overjoyed at the reunion, but the cat was like, “whatever.”
04/08/13 – Today at the White House, President Obama and Vice President Biden met for lunch. The chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s always comes with a toy.
04/04/13 – A 113-year-old Florida woman, who was named the “Oldest Living U.S. Citizen” in January, has passed away. I’m not superstitious, but it seems like that title is cursed.
04/02/13 – Lifetime has canceled America’s Most Wanted. Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on.
04/02/13 – Lifetime has canceled America’s Most Wanted. Network executives made the decision in response to a letter-writing campaign organized by criminals.
04/02/13 – L.A. County Sheriff’s Department officials say they will recommend charges be filed against Justin Bieber for allegedly spitting on a neighbor. And there’s more bad news for Justin. The D.A. wants to try him as an adult.
04/01/13 – Happy Birthday to Al Gore, who is 65. Sadly, he couldn’t enjoy his party because he was obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.
04/01/13 – In San José, a man was arrested for deliberately driving his Oldsmobile Cutlass through the front door of a Wal-Mart. Can you believe that? Something American-made inside a Wal-Mart!
03/28/13 – Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham announced she’s leaving the Spice Girls. The news came as a surprise to the rest of the group, who didn’t realize they were still together.
03/28/13 – According to the U.N., more people have working cell-phones than have working toilets. So next time you drop your phone in the toilet, count your blessings.
03/27/13 – A 33-year-old woman in Britain claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise. Her symptoms include perspiration and an increased heart-rate.
03/26/13 – We’re learning more and more about Pope Francis. Unlike many in the Catholic Church hierarchy, he has said that the use of condoms is acceptable in certain cases—but not the glow-in-the-dark kind.
03/26/13 – A 44-year-old New Jersey man has won the $338-million Powerball jackpot. He says he will use the money to fulfill his lifelong dream, which is to get the hell out of New Jersey.
03/25/13 – Bodybuilding pioneer Joe Weider has passed away at the age of 93. In 1969, he got Arnold Schwarzenegger his first acting job but hopefully, he’ll be remembered for the good things he did.
03/22/13 – According to a new study, the average member of Congress can only speak at a 10thgrade level. Which is worse than it sounds because the average 10th grader speaks at a 5th grade level.
03/22/13 – According to a new survey, 74% of female college students say they use drinking as an excuse for wild sexual behavior. And 100% of college men say that’s an acceptable excuse.
03/21/13 – Justin Bieber announced that he’s growing a mustache. I guess we’ll have to take his word for it.
03/21/13 – According to a new study, the price of college textbooks is increasing 6% every year. So please, be generous next time you get a lap-dance.
03/21/13 – There’s a big controversy with the History Channel’s miniseries, The Bible. It seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. This isn’t the first time the President has been portrayed as the devil; Fox News does it every day.
03/20/13 – According to the CDC, gonorrhea is developing resistance to all available antibiotics.That said, have a great Spring Break!
03/19/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY – On this day in 1979, the U.S. House of Representatives began televising its daily business. It was an immediate success, leading to the placement of cameras in other high-crime areas.
03/19/13 – How many are Christians observing Lent? OK, how many are heathens observing Spring Break?!
03/19/13 – The island nation of Cyprus is considering a 7 to 10% tax on every individual savings account. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?!”
03/19/13 – According to the National Enquirer, while Brad Pitt was in France, Angelina Jolie was in L.A., partying with a handsome hunk. That’s nonsense. We had one drink.
03/19/13 – Lindsay Lohan is headed back to rehab, but she’s through with Promises. She’s going to a new facility called “Vague Assurances.”
03/18/13 – Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of Vogue magazine. Also, look for President Obama next month on the cover of The Economist magazine. It’s their annual April Fools issue.
03/15/13 – As a young man, Pope Francis worked as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires bar. Which means as he stepped onto the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica after being chosen Pope, there were old Argentine guys watching TV and yelling: “That guy kicked my ass!”
03/14/13 – In West Los Angeles, a vacated KFC is now home to a medical-marijuana dispensary.Ironically, on the same block, there are three new KFCs.
03/14/13 – Sarah Palin is writing a new book. It’s called No, I Won’t Just Go Away!
03/11/13 – President Obama’s half-brother, Malik Obama, is running for governor in Kenya. Unfortunately, his political opponents are spreading rumors that he was born in Hawaii.
03/11/13 – President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart Foundation president Sylvia Matthews Burwell to be his budget director. She’s a good fit because Wal-Mart is also heavily dependent on China.
03/11/13 – An Oregon physicist has invented the world’s first Oreo separator, a contraption that separates the Oreo cookie from the crème. How sad. We’re now too fat and lazy to unscrew Oreos!
03/01/13 – Welcome, sequestration survivors!
03/01/13 – An Ohio landlord allegedly took a belt to the bare butt of a tenant who was behind in his rent. You can read the rest of the story in a new book called 50 Shades of Eviction.
03/01/13 – Later this month, a 106-year-old Ohio woman will get her high-school diploma. On the advice of her guidance counselor, she will attend a two-year college.
02/28/13 – A British man is suing the historic Salisbury District Hospital after surgeons removed the wrong testicle. I’d hate to see such a fine facility brought down by one nut.
02/28/13 – In Meadville, Pennsylvania, Allegheny College recently brought in two sex experts to teach masturbation to the students. This course wasn’t offered when I was in school; my only option was independent study!
02/27/13 – German scientists say human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. The bad news is, the new retirement age is 107.
02/27/13 – Olive Garden’s revenue dropped 4% last quarter. Executives blame competition from real Italian restaurants.
02/26/13 – Match.com has created an online safety-guide. It offers useful tips, like when you date someone you meet on Match.com, avoid wearing belts, or scarves, which could be used to strangle you.
02/26/13 – More problems for Lindsay Lohan. The state of California says she owes $57,000 in unpaid taxes. Lindsay’s parents say they’re proud that their daughter has graduated to white-collar crime.
02/26/13 – At a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that the sequester would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington—and got big laughs in Mexico.
02/25/13 – NBC has a new slogan: “We’re Number Five!”
02/25/13 – The Academy Awards were last night. There was a glaring omission in the “In Memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan’s career.
02/22/13 – The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking and driving!
02/22/13 – A mother in New York state is now facing possible jail-time after she allegedly hired two strippers to perform at her son’s 16th birthday party. She explained that at 16, he was too young for actual whores.
02/21/13 – The price of gas is so high, some stations have stopped selling it by the gallon. It now comes in “Tall,” “Grande” and “Venti.”
02/21/13 – According to a new Gallup poll, 72% of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 30% are so disillusioned, they’re considering moving back to Mexico.
02/20/13 – Yesterday in South Korea, 3,500 couples got married in a mass wedding organized by the Unification Church. Critics of the church say it’s a cult, but followers say: “It is not a cult. It is not a cult. It is not a cult … ”
02/20/13 – A Philadelphia woman is suing a local strip-club, claiming she lost one of her thumbs while dancing on amateur night. The good news is, she now gets a 10% discount on manicures.
02/20/13 – Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor told federal prosecutors she went broke after betting more than $1 billion she inherited from her late husband. She gambled away $1 billion in casinos playing video poker. Ironically, at one point, she was $300 ahead.
02/20/13 – The mayor of Cederberg, South Africa, has been caught sending pictures of his sex organ, covered in whipped cream and decorated with a strawberry on top, to a female deputy. He says he doesn’t remember doing it. Which sounds ridiculous, but the warning label on the whipped cream says: “Applying to penis may cause amnesia.”
02/19/13 – Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford defended his decision to run for Congress, saying: “The one place I didn’t ever fail was with the taxpayers.” To which his ex-wife said: “I’m a taxpayer!”
02/19/13 – President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the President was very good for a guy who only plays five days a week.
02/19/13 – President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Do you know what the President’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics.
02/18/13 – Happy Presidents Day—not to be confused with Vice President’s Day, also known as April Fools Day.
02/18/13 – The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. After that, he swore off Spring Break forever.
02/15/13 – Government researchers report that drinking significant quantities of alcohol over time can cause serious shrinkage in the brain. The findings are based on a study of Lindsay Lohan.
02/15/13 – Today President Obama visited a Decatur, Georgia, pre-kindergarten, where the kids all asked him the same question: “Shouldn’t you be working?”
02/14/13 – In the year 269 A.D., St. Valentine was beaten and beheaded. Do you know why? He forgot Valentine’s Day!
02/13/13 – Thursday is Valentine’s Day. It’s named after St. Valentine, the patron saint of sexual extortion.
02/12/13 – According to a new study, 1/3 of American children are obese by the time they’re 9 months old. To give you an idea how bad it is, baby strollers now beep when backing up.
02/12/13 – An Oregon man is suing the U.S. government, claiming a female IRS agent coerced him into having sex to avoid being audited. The guy was surprised because he thought only taxpayers making more than $250,000 were getting screwed.
02/12/13 – Tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union speech. In a break with tradition, when he entered the House chamber, instead of “Hail to the Chief,” they played “Hey, Big Spender!”
02/11/13 – According to a new study, using the Internet too much can cause psychological problems. The good news is, help is available online.
02/11/13 – A 105-year-old California woman has officially been named the world’s oldest Facebook user. She says you’re never too old to waste what little time you have left.
02/08/13 – “Time” magazine is reporting that since Al Gore sold his TV network to al Jazeera, he is now richer than Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? They’re still publishing “Time” magazine?!
02/08/13 – Burger King in England admitted that it has been selling burgers containing horsemeat. Even so, Burger King is still considered one of England’s finest restaurants.
02/08/13 – Valentine’s Day is next Thursday—which gives men six days to fake their own deaths.
02/07/13 – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.
02/06/13 – Connecticut police arrested a 71-year-old woman for prostitution. Under questioning, she admitted she was selling herself to support a $1,000-a-day Bingo habit.
02/06/13 – Radio Shack is planning to close more than 500 stores by the end of the year. Executives blame declining demand for 8-track players.
02/04/13 – Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republic say New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. He could be in big trouble because it’s a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent.
02/04/13 – How about that Super Bowl?! Great game. Congratulations to Coach Harbaugh. And to Coach Harbaugh, better luck next time!
01/29/13 – Sarah Palin has parted ways with Fox News. Network executives admitted that she was unfair and unbalanced.
02/01/13 – Have you seen the ads for the dating site for people over 50? It’s called “Our Time.” Which is better than its original name: “Running Out of Time.”
01/30/13 – According to a new study, 2/3 of adults drink alcohol at night to relax. And sadly, the other 1/3 drink to come down off the meth.
01/30/13 – The government of Iran says it has sent an 18-inch-tall monkey into outer space. Today the launch was confirmed by Iran’s 18-inch-tall president.
01/29/13 – According to a new poll, 50% of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50% think it isn’t.
01/29/13 – TODAY IN HISTORY (Jan. 30) – On this day in 2007, Microsoft’s Windows Vista was released—revolutionizing the way operating systems crash.
01/25/13 – It’s official. Arnold Schwarzenegger is making another “Terminator” movie. I don’t want to say he’s getting old, but the role of Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.
01/25/13 – According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as many as 81% of people lie on online-dating websites. Researchers say they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach.
01/25/13 – North Korea says it is easing its restrictions on cell phones. Cellular communication is almost non-existent in the country, where very few people own cell phones, and those who do have T-Mobile.
01/22/13 – A cat that went missing in Florida over two months ago was found 190 miles from home and returned to its owners. They were overjoyed at the reunion, but the cat was “like, whatever.”
01/22/13 – Southwest Airlines announced that they will now let people pay $40 to board the plane first. But travel experts say if Southwest passengers could afford another $40, they wouldn’t have to fly Southwest.
01/22/13 – More problems for Notre Dame Fighting Irish linebacker Manti Te’o. It’s now being reported that he’s not really Irish.
01/22/13 – District of Columbia officials report that less than half as many people will attend President Obama’s second inauguration as attended his first. They believe this is because four years ago, twice as many Americans could afford hotel rooms.
01/18/13 – According to a new study, seniors are the most frequent binge drinkers … followed closely by juniors, sophomores and freshmen.
01/17/13 – According to the “Star,” Lindsay Lohan is paying her bills by working as a high-class escort. How ridiculous … high class!
01/17/13 – Happy Birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. Today she told a reporter she expects a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. He tends to be responsible when he’s spending his own money.
01/16/13 – Doctors are looking into crystal meth as a possible treatment for the flu. Fortunately, because of federal regulations, meth is already easier to buy than Sudafed.
01/15/13 – According to the AP, Lance Armstrong has admitted to Oprah that he used performance-enhancing drugs. The interview airs Thursday. Then on Friday, Lance will appear on a special episode of “Cheaters.”
01/14/13 – The Mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge him by the company he keeps?
01/11/13 – This flu season is so bad, HomeTown Buffet is hiring extra workers just to clean the sneeze-guards!
01/10/13 – Photos have surfaced of Justin Bieber at a private party smoking marijuana. Sources say he got the weed from his friend, Lil Twist. Frankly, Justin’s mother should be more careful arranging her son’s play dates.
01/10/13 – The National Father’s Day Council has named Bill Clinton the “Father of the Year,” an honor he richly deserves. A lot of people don’t know this, but the former president coined the phrase: “Who’s your daddy?!”
01/10/13 – The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” The idea is to get our minds off of America’s present
01/07/13 – On New Year’s Eve, Hugh Hefner married Crystal Harris. She insists that she doesn’t notice their 60-year age difference. She’s also unable to distinguish between a grape and a raisin.
01/07/13 – Al Gore’s Current TV has been sold to Al Jazeera for $500 million, which comes to $10 million per viewer.
01/07/13 – Al Gore’s Current TV has been sold to Al Jazeera for $500 million. Viewers will notice changes. For example, while both networks report that global warming is caused by man, Al Jazeera specifically blames Jews.
01/04/13 – Did you see this guy on the news, the most frequent flier? He’s the first passenger to fly 1 million miles in a calendar year on United Airlines. He says he had no idea he would travel a million miles when he booked his flight from Newark to Chicago on Priceline.com.
01/04/13 – According to the Venezuelan government, President Hugo Chavez is suffering from breathing difficulties caused by a severe lung-infection. The good news is, doctors say his prognosis is bleak.
01/04/13 – Congress has approved some version of the fiscal cliff bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away—while there still are rich Americans.
01/03/13 – Three-time U.S. Olympian and track-star Suzy Favor Hamilton has admitted she spent the last year working as a $600-an-hour Las Vegas call-girl. Which is why instead of Wheaties, her picture is on boxes of Trix.
01/02/13 – Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby, so congratulations to Kim and her husband, Kris Humphries!Benny the Jokeman